I wish I could wish my Mom a happy Mother's Day today, but I couldn't. Its not that she isn't alive, she's 101, but dementia has robbed her of any understanding and recognition. I'm 1,000 miles from the nursing home where she lives, and my visits are admittedly getting rarer because for the last year or two she has no memory of me or my siblings or anything else. My Mom was a typical mother when I was a child in the late '40's and '50's, taking good care of me and my brother and sister, but almost uninvolved in our lives. Unlike some parent's today who are immersed in their children's lives, she was always too busy with keeping the house clean, preparing dinner every night, and enjoying her own passions of mah jong and bingo to spend any time with her children. That was typical in those days, at least where we lived (Brooklyn, NY) and all of my friends' Moms were pretty much the same.
But years later, when we kids were grown and started having kids of our own, she was equally absent from our lives and the lives of her grandchildren. When I was stationed in Germany in the late '70's she did come for a visit, for all of two days. And she spent much of that time being critical of how my wife and I were raising our four children. She was my children's only grandmother (my mother in law had died very young) but her life was too busy to spend even a small amount of time with any of her grandchildren, including the one's living very close to her in the NY suburbs, not 45 minutes from where she lived. She sent them checks for their birthdays, saying she had no idea what kind of toys the children would like, and I assure you, to a young child, opening up a bland birthday card with a check inside does not do much to inspire love of a grandparent. So the years went by and in her mid 90's, widowed for a second time, she started complaining bitterly about how none of her grandchildren paid her much attention. They didn't visit, or call, or show any appreciation for those small checks that she kept mailing to each of them on birthdays and other holidays. Her children, including myself, kept urging her to come visit us and stay for awhile so that she could be a part of her grandchildren's lives, but she was just too busy to ever do that.
So even before her dementia robbed her of her memories and thoughts, she had become a lonely and unhappy old woman. My brother, who lived very close to her, would visit almost daily once he retired from work. I would come from out of town four or five times a year for a few days visit each time, and my younger sister would visit at least once or twice a week. But her unhappiness with almost never seeing her grandchildren, and later, never even meeting any of her greatgrandchildren, would eat away at her like a cancer.
So today on Mother's Day I have a little advice for all of you with children at home, or grandchildren already born. If you want to be part of their lives you have to take the initiative. Don't sit back waiting for them to come to you. Go to their soccer games and school plays, even if that means several hours of driving each way. Try to break through their fascination with their smartphones and I-pads. Even if you do all the right things, grandchildren will become a bit distant as they find their own way in the world. They have their sports, and friends and their own interests. But if you have done your job, you will always be a part of their lives. You will live to see the day, such as Mother's Day or Father's Day when the grandchildren insist to their parents to come visit you, or beg you to come visit them.
Don't end up like my Mom is today. End up more like me who has worked at being involved and hopefully is still an important person to my 10 grandchildren. Now if I can only get my children to let me teach their chidlren about guns and the 2nd Amendment and the thrill of riding motorcycles, my work will be done.
But years later, when we kids were grown and started having kids of our own, she was equally absent from our lives and the lives of her grandchildren. When I was stationed in Germany in the late '70's she did come for a visit, for all of two days. And she spent much of that time being critical of how my wife and I were raising our four children. She was my children's only grandmother (my mother in law had died very young) but her life was too busy to spend even a small amount of time with any of her grandchildren, including the one's living very close to her in the NY suburbs, not 45 minutes from where she lived. She sent them checks for their birthdays, saying she had no idea what kind of toys the children would like, and I assure you, to a young child, opening up a bland birthday card with a check inside does not do much to inspire love of a grandparent. So the years went by and in her mid 90's, widowed for a second time, she started complaining bitterly about how none of her grandchildren paid her much attention. They didn't visit, or call, or show any appreciation for those small checks that she kept mailing to each of them on birthdays and other holidays. Her children, including myself, kept urging her to come visit us and stay for awhile so that she could be a part of her grandchildren's lives, but she was just too busy to ever do that.
So even before her dementia robbed her of her memories and thoughts, she had become a lonely and unhappy old woman. My brother, who lived very close to her, would visit almost daily once he retired from work. I would come from out of town four or five times a year for a few days visit each time, and my younger sister would visit at least once or twice a week. But her unhappiness with almost never seeing her grandchildren, and later, never even meeting any of her greatgrandchildren, would eat away at her like a cancer.
So today on Mother's Day I have a little advice for all of you with children at home, or grandchildren already born. If you want to be part of their lives you have to take the initiative. Don't sit back waiting for them to come to you. Go to their soccer games and school plays, even if that means several hours of driving each way. Try to break through their fascination with their smartphones and I-pads. Even if you do all the right things, grandchildren will become a bit distant as they find their own way in the world. They have their sports, and friends and their own interests. But if you have done your job, you will always be a part of their lives. You will live to see the day, such as Mother's Day or Father's Day when the grandchildren insist to their parents to come visit you, or beg you to come visit them.
Don't end up like my Mom is today. End up more like me who has worked at being involved and hopefully is still an important person to my 10 grandchildren. Now if I can only get my children to let me teach their chidlren about guns and the 2nd Amendment and the thrill of riding motorcycles, my work will be done.
