When I was a young man I read about how traditional Japanese families would hire private detectives to research the family background of a prospective spouse for their child, and should it be discovered that several generations earlier that prospect's ancestors showed signs of mental illness, or criminality, the wedding would be prohibited. I remember thinking how backward and ignorant they were, for not recognizing that it is the environment, not the genetics that determines our character and personality. But now that I am older I am quite convinced that I was very wrong in that assessment.
My wife and I raised five children, and while none are exactly like me (if nothing else, I am a "gun" nut, a motorcyclist, and I was career military and none of my children share any of those things) four of the five are essentially like my wife and I. They are honest, law abiding citizens. None drink to excess. None got involved in illegal drugs. All married (and one divorced) and they have children of their own who are seemingly continuing in the family tradition as what most would call "good people". But my fifth child, the youngest, has chosen a totally different path. Although reasonably intelligent, he dropped out of school in the 10th grade (all the others graduated college). He has had several run ins with the criminal justice system, including two felonies, and at 21 is already well on the way to being an alcoholic. My other kids are all reasonably ambitious, i.e., wanting to improve their lot in life for themselves and their families, but this youngest one seems to have little or no ambition. Unable to hold or now find a job, he is living a marginal life. Their is one other difference: this youngest child is adopted. He came to us as an infant foster child, and later when his teenage mother had her parental rights terminated by the state (the birth father was never in the picture) we adopted him. We were later told that his birth father was a wanted criminal and gang member, but of course our son has never met nor even heard this fact about his birth father.
And so though I had always believed that if you raise a child with good values to model themselves on, with faith in God, they will turn out right. But maybe everything that we have done and provided were just not enough to overcome the impact of "bad" genes.
I guess I am not really asking the question, only pondering the obvious reality. I don't blame myself for how this child has turned out. I still hope that he can turn things around and go on to become a good citizen, and a good person who will contribute to the community. But I am very saddened at what he has become and fearful that this is what he is and that there is certainly nothing at this stage that I can do about it.
My wife and I raised five children, and while none are exactly like me (if nothing else, I am a "gun" nut, a motorcyclist, and I was career military and none of my children share any of those things) four of the five are essentially like my wife and I. They are honest, law abiding citizens. None drink to excess. None got involved in illegal drugs. All married (and one divorced) and they have children of their own who are seemingly continuing in the family tradition as what most would call "good people". But my fifth child, the youngest, has chosen a totally different path. Although reasonably intelligent, he dropped out of school in the 10th grade (all the others graduated college). He has had several run ins with the criminal justice system, including two felonies, and at 21 is already well on the way to being an alcoholic. My other kids are all reasonably ambitious, i.e., wanting to improve their lot in life for themselves and their families, but this youngest one seems to have little or no ambition. Unable to hold or now find a job, he is living a marginal life. Their is one other difference: this youngest child is adopted. He came to us as an infant foster child, and later when his teenage mother had her parental rights terminated by the state (the birth father was never in the picture) we adopted him. We were later told that his birth father was a wanted criminal and gang member, but of course our son has never met nor even heard this fact about his birth father.
And so though I had always believed that if you raise a child with good values to model themselves on, with faith in God, they will turn out right. But maybe everything that we have done and provided were just not enough to overcome the impact of "bad" genes.
I guess I am not really asking the question, only pondering the obvious reality. I don't blame myself for how this child has turned out. I still hope that he can turn things around and go on to become a good citizen, and a good person who will contribute to the community. But I am very saddened at what he has become and fearful that this is what he is and that there is certainly nothing at this stage that I can do about it.
