Tough love......... THREADS MERGED

[Bob Wright]

I was talking to a very good friend of mine at church yesterday morning. His son is a recent graduate, with a degree in mechanical engineering. This young man has been brilliant from late childhood, especially in thing mechanical. His college education was fully funded and he graduated from the University of Memphis.

I asked my friend how he was doing and he told me all was well, but his son was in Tucson, Arizona. I gave him a surprised look and he continued, "I told him 'Son, its been six months.' You either need to find a job of get gone. He left Thursday."

The young man had told me on occasion that he wanted to get into the space program. I had told him I still knew a few men in the engineering field and might be able to arrange an interview for him, but he never took me up on that.

I do applaud my friend's stance. I know full well they provided a sound Christian home with counseling and backed his efforts. And do approve the stance they have taken.

Comes a time for fledging for every man.

Bob Wright

 

[turd]

Sometimes you have to kick them out of the nest so they can learn to fly on their own.

 

[blume357]

I wasn't living at home but almost 40 years ago I was into my 6th year of 'higher' ejumacation and working as a flunky in a hospital warehouse .... I finally realized no one was going to offer me a high paying job... next thing I know I own a one man business... I never made much money or possible to quote Jimmy Buffet, "I made enough money to buy Miami .. .but I pissed it away so fast." My only point is there are young folks out there that think they are owed a living and the only way they are going to learn the real lessons in life is to go out and get a job.. not the job they want.. just a job and start on the path to where they want to be.

 

[Mobuck]

My kids all moved to Iowa chasing the job market. Finally, the oldest regained his common sense and moved back to MO. (Just kidding all you guys who live across the line).
Never had an issue with any of them not getting out and finding a job--even the blind kid carried his share just helping me on the farm.

 

[Dave P.]

Not sure how to take the original post....
Did he go to Tucson to be homeless or because he had
a job offer?
Dave

 

[RSIno1]

We gave our daughter a roof, meals, education, small allowance and a swat on the bottom if she needed it. I gave her a sailboat I had and she traded it to a friend of mine for a VW Bug. She started working summers when she was 16 and saved he money so she didn't have to work as much during the school year. She liked the Merkur XR4TI so she bought one then a new Mercury Contour at 19. She'd work 80 hour weeks in the summer so she could work 20-30 hours a week during school (She worked at Disneyland and they'd schedule around her school schedule). A while after she got her BA she was working at Claremont McKenna college and came home to say she was getting her Masters in Education - we gasped and I started doing the math. Then she finished her sentence and said I'm paying for it. Now she has 2 masters and is principal at a Jr High making about $120,000 a year.

 

[Bob Wright]

Not sure how to take the original post....
Did he go to Tucson to be homeless or because he had
a job offer?
Dave

Fair question, and I'll answer the best I know.

Two years ago this young man went to Tucson for a vacation and was able to stay with friends there who were former members of our church. He has always been interested in settling in that area. From what I know I'm guessing he contacted his friends there before leaving. I don't know any arrangements he has, nor does his Dad. And, so far as I know, no job offer.

Bob Wright

 

[Bob Wright]

Not sure how to take the original post....
Did he go to Tucson to be homeless or because he had
a job offer?
Dave

Incidentally, my whole point in the original post was that this man, the father, had to make a tough decision, and did it. The dad is the main character in this scenario.

Bob Wright

 

[Mobuck]

"The dad is the main character in this scenario."
and he wasn't wrong IMHO

 

[Kevin]

He might not have been wrong, but I don’t think it’s right if he severed all ties with his son either.

Tucson is a long ways from Memphis, if the son is just sleeping on someone’s sofa, that might not lead to a good future between the father and son.

I don’t know, it’s a tough call either way.

 

[gunzo]

Sounds like dad gave advice, but it would have been actual tough love if sponge son had been living off Dad, & dad kicked him into the real world..

Way too much of freeloading going on these days IMO, & enabling the freeloaders isn't helping the matter.

I thought for years that my dad was way too hard on me when I was growing up, or when I was on the edge of adulthood & still in the nest. It took me a long time to see that his way taught me to stand on my own 2 feet & not depend anyone but myself. That was the ONLY way to live as a man.

 

[Mike J]

I haven't hit that phase with my kids yet but I do remember when I graduated high school at the age of 17. My mother told me, "This is great now you can start paying room & board." I wound up moving out at 18 & back in when I was 22 (Mom had bone cancer, my sister & I moved back to try to help.).

Sometimes someone needs a nudge to get them moving. I hope the young man does well.

 

[Dave P.]

Not sure how to take the original post....
Did he go to Tucson to be homeless or because he had
a job offer?
Dave

Incidentally, my whole point in the original post was that this man, the father, had to make a tough decision, and did it. The dad is the main character in this scenario.

Bob Wright

Agree it should have been a tough decision, only time will tell if it was right.
Not denigrating anybody's faith or beliefs but I've known a few people who
absolutely came to hate some religious upbringing that they felt was
forced upon them and were all too happy to leave it and family behind.
Never looking or going back.
Again....time will tell.
Dave

 

[Bob Wright]

Wow! I had not expected so much sympathy for the son. And he didn't "kick him out." He put it this way as he related it to me: "Son, its been six months. (Since his graduation from college.) Its time you got a job or get gone." He has told me that he has helped his son build up his resume. I offered to check with engineering firms where I knew some of the principals to see if I could get him an interview.

Bob Wright

 

[eveled]

I clearly remember the morning I woke up and there was a poster on my parents fridge that said. “Teenagers move out now while you still know everything”.

It changed my attitude for sure.

I basically lived at home til I got married at 30. I wasn’t a free loader though. Sounds like the kid needed to get off his butt and start doing something.

 

[Gator89]

Wow! I had not expected so much sympathy for the son. And he didn't "kick him out." He put it this way as he related it to me: "Son, its been six months. (Since his graduation from college.) Its time you got a job or get gone." He has told me that he has helped his son build up his resume. I offered to check with engineering firms where I knew some of the principals to see if I could get him an interview.

Bob Wright

I am confident my father would have handled the situation in a similar fashion.

I was expected to work on our farm alongside adults beginning at age 10. Failure to comply without justification was addressed with a leather attitude adjustment tool.

It is likely a good thing my daddy's child rearing was completed in the 1970's.

 

[ronto]

My Dad showed me very early that if I wanted something nobody is going to give it to me, I'll have to work for it. I mowed lawns, racked leaves, shoveled snow and had a newspaper route in order to buy my first bicycle. At 16 I got a job in the local grocery store stocking shelves, packing groceries for customers, etc. so I could buy my first car, a '53 Chevy. I know my parents could have footed the bill but I had to work my way through college with odd jobs and the G.I. Bill after my service in the Army. Kids have to be taught this early or they will expect everything will be handed to them on a silver platter and that's not how the world works. You did the right thing in kicking him out, albeit a little too late.

 

[Jeepnik]

I’ e been very last lucky with the boys. Yea they were a bit rowdy. But always stopped short of serious trouble. I was the same so I can’t complain.

They both went into the Marines after high school. Grew up fast. When they were discharged one went to work and college. He stayed home until he received his degree and got on with the P. D.

The younger one was always a bit more extroverted. After discharge he had some issues. But he didn’t move back home or go to college. He bounced around a bit and couldn’t seem to “decide what he wanted to be when he grew up”. The signs were there but we all missed them.

His brother finally had had enough. He quite literally kicked his butt and got him talking. Not the glib class clown stuff. He got his act together. Once he got the demons exercised he followed his brother onto the cops.

Some times the tough love has to come not from parents but from other family or friends. Sometimes you can be too close to see that big glaring forest.

 

[kramden]

My wife and I did something my parents taught me. Keep your kids informed what is going to be expected from them down the road. Have in advance conversations about dating-driving-working-paying room and board etc. It makes life alot easier if they are informed a couple of years ahead. That way it's already in their head and not a surprise. One of the best things we and my parents did was tell me that after graduation from HS I was expected to work and pay room and board. This started when I was 18 but at around age 16 I knew it was coming. Great lesson , but the surprise came when I was getting married at 21 and my parents gave me an envelope with all the rent $$ I had paid them . Did the same with my kids. Thanks Mom & Dad

 

[MYBABYISA44MAG]

I've done the same thing...I reached a point where enough was enough....it was hard, and hard on my son, but the relationship we have today is worth every ounce of the pain and stress it took to get to today...and I'm proud of both of my kids, for they both have excelled...tough love works..