Tough love......... THREADS MERGED

[crstrode]

Anyone that is not looking forward to leaving home immediately after graduation from High School is a low-achiever in the making.

Note that this does include those that are college bound. Higher education is easily within the grasp of any kid without the financial support of their parents.

The secret is work.

As a matter of fact, the less well-off the family is the more opportunities there are for financial aid.

FYI I know this from personal experience.

All of my college loans were paid in full without asking for a cent from Mom and Dad.

The secret to this is to get an education that translates into a good job. A doctorate in middle eastern religion or advanced trans-gender navel gazing ain't it.

 

[blackhawknj]

My observation has been that parents who are in too much of a hurry to get their kids to grow up and get out, who don't help them pay for college-or anything else-who constantly lecture them about learning to "man up" and "take responsibility" are the same ones who, when they grow old and gray and sick whine the loudest that those children they couldn't be bothered with with now can't be bothered with them.
There's a pop song from the 1950s that is even more relevant today-"Got Along Without You Before I Met You, Gonna Get Along Without You Now."

 

[azleite]

I heard “Cats in the cradle” on the way home from the range a couple weeks ago. Made me think of my biological Father whom I “met” at 16. As to my other home life I (Literally) began plotting my move out at ten years of age

 

[Dave P.]

The secret to this is to get an education that translates into a good job. A doctorate in middle eastern religion or advanced trans-gender navel gazing ain't it.

I don't know, the direction we're heading they might be the hot ticket.
Dave

 

[blume357]

I personally don't understand the drive that all young people need to go to college..... I went for 6 years and ended up finding my vocation that really did not need hardly any of that 'higher' education. You can make a good living working blue collar and not have a 80,000 dollar loan to pay off after 4 years of smoking dope and drinking beer.

 

[kramden]

I personally don't understand the drive that all young people need to go to college..... I went for 6 years and ended up finding my vocation that really did not need hardly any of that 'higher' education. You can make a good living working blue collar and not have a 80,000 dollar loan to pay off after 4 years of smoking dope and drinking beer.

To this day I am very happy I never went to college and wasted all of the time and MONEY. Not to mention possibly becoming a liberal moron. A strong work ethic and a bit of common sense goes a long way in this life. Neither my wife or I went to college. Been married 52 years and have been pretty successful with Gods help.

 

[Kevin]

A lot of it has to do with priorities of what the family expects too. There is a lot here I don’t agree with, but whose to say I’m right or wrong or the other people are right or wrong.

I did go to college, and about the time I was supposed to graduate I couldn’t find a job, so I just stayed in school. I hope my daughter does the same thing. I guess I would prioritize being in school over a low paying job. But I’m sure some of you would disagree. And that’s as it should be, otherwise nothing would get done in this world.

I know in Bulgaria, during Communism, for a while it was hard to find a job, so many of those people stayed in school. Their literacy rate was extremely high during that time. But unfortunately their world was crumbling around them and they couldn’t do much about it.

 

[Bob Wright]

I'm of the opinion that a man can't have too much education. What he chooses to do with it is another matter. I made it very well in the engineering field with only a high school education, but I had an above average high school education. But I did lack certain skills that I wish I did have, especially in mathematics. And I do wish I were better read in literature and history. But I have always been of the type that wanted to know everything there is to know.

Bob Wright

 

[Mike J]

Education can be a wonderful thing if a person has the intelligence to apply what they've learned. I do not think education should be confused with ability though. My 2 older sisters both have or had the kind of jobs that are supposed to require a college degree. My oldest sister started off working in the "Office of Contract Administration", at a college as an administrative assistant. When she retired she was a project manager in the same office for computer related projects.
My other sister got a job working nights as a rate clerk at an air freight company when she was 19. Every time her boss would leave she would end up with their job. That company was acquired by a larger company when she was 28. She was the terminal manager. They created a position for her. The larger company was then bought out by a larger company. She just told me the other day that her boss is leaving. They are going to redefine his position & want her to take it over.

My oldest sister had 1 year of college. The other sister dropped out after less than a quarter.

I didn't want to go to college. I had no clue what I wanted to do. I bounced around a bit & wound up in the building trades. I started my apprenticeship as a Sheet Metal Worker in 1989. I haven't gotten rich but I've made a decent living and taken care of my family.

 

[jgt]

The best gift and prep for life as an adult is the gift of earning what you want in life. It can be through education, developing a skill, or both. I am from a poor background so I had no choice. I do not regret it though. It was a blessing that some around me did not receive when we were growing up. I watched them struggle in adulthood. If you have the means to spoil your child, don't. You can help them learn these lessons while still doing it with love. They will probably ask you why you are doing it. You can explain it is your gift to them then. Most will respond to the truth. They may not like it when they are learning it, but will likely thank you for it later.

 

[Colonialgirl]

I finally went 3 nights a week, 3 hours a night for 5 years plus some summers to finally get my BS Degree in Process Engineering because the company required me to work at and achieve a degree as a condition of getting promoted to a management position (I was promoted while I worked for the degree) Of course I also collected GI benefits thanks to serving in the Army. Almost went for an Masters Degree in Business, but was burned out after 5 years .

 

[vito]

"Tough love" is easier to imagine than to do, and sometimes other factors figure in. My youngest son had some real problems with his bad choices earlier in his life, but now is a responsible 27 year old with two little boys of his own. He's a welder and is doing OK, but between he and his girlfriend's income while they get by, things are often pretty tough. And when something big happens, like his old car giving up the ghost, he really is in a bind. To some degree I can tell him that his issues are of his own making, and that he has to learn to manage these challenges on his own. But there are those two little grandsons of mine and I just cannot bear to see suffer because of the poor decisions my son made earlier in his life that have led to the current situation. My wife and I have helped our son out significantly, financially, to get through the crises so that our grandsons do not end up sharing in the suffering. I have been a believer in "tough love" since the alternative of rescuing a grown child time after time, is not really doing them a big favor, but my concern for my grandkids is even more important to me than being a practitioner of "tough love".

 

[Mike J]

Vito. I suspect you already know this but I don't believe anyone thinks you should be hard on your son for what he did in the past. Much less punish his children for it. In all honestly I don't think there are any hard fast rules when it comes to "tough love" or what some folks that taught me some stuff called detaching with love. The purpose of the whole thing is to allow someone to feel the consequences of their actions in the hope they will decide to change their behavior. No point in that if they are presently trying to do right.

At the same time though I have seen some instances where some folks were helped (or maybe enabled) to death. I guess all we can do is pray for wisdom & try to do what we believe to be best.

 

[eveled]

Vito, if he’s making good decisions now. Gets up every morning and goes to work. Be proud of the man he’s become. You did a fine job, helping him take care of the little ones is obviously the right thing to do.

He knows the damage he did and the money he wasted and likely beats himself up about it daily.

I’m adding you him and the 2 lads to my prayer list. I hope God blesses you all even more than he has already.

 

[Bob Wright]

I spoke to my friend yesterday at church concerning his son's situation. Here are things he told me:

Son is now in Mesa, Arizona, sharing accommodations with a friend of his. He has several leads and one appointment for a job there.

As to finances, the dad had put aside money for his education all along to fund his college education. The son's college education for four years was fully funded by scholarships so he had no expenses out of pocket. So Dad gave him the money accumulated over the years and he is able to live off this until he is employed, at least for awhile.

And this story he told me:

"I told my son what the papa buffalo said to his son: 'Bye Son. (Bison).'"


Bob Wright

 

[Bob Wright]

I see my original post is nearly a year old, lacking a few months. Here is an update:

Over the Christmas holidays, my friend and his wife visited their son in Arizona. The son has a job with an engineering firm. It is not the field he wants to make his career in, but he is getting experience in engineering and earning a better than decent living. His current employment is in the medical engineering field, while he wants to get into aerospace engineering. He has either rented or bought a small house and is self sufficient. And does like his location. His dad asked if he were ready to come back to Memphis and his reply was "nope."

As to the conditions, there never was any "cut all ties" between the two, father and son. Mom was not so eager to see him go, as he was the only child they would have, difficult pregnancy and birth and she sort of hovered over him as a child so she took his leaving very hard. But all is going well now. Dad has retired from his job and, like many of us, is working very hard at being retired.

Extra note: Dad is the cook at the home and also for church functions. He recently showed me his new home made grill, made from a propane tank and can cook maybe five dozed hamburgers at once!

Bob Wright

 

[Simmonsburg]

OP you did by giving the kid a chance and some needed push, fear of the unknown is really a barrier and its times like this young men this guidance of the older.