Time to retire?

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wolfsong

wolfsong

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Sierra foothills, Ca. U.S.A.
17 years on the job. 17 years of seeing, hearing, reacting to and experiencing things that no Hollywood script writer could ever imagine. 17 years of taking it all in stride, burying emotions, ignoring fear, suppressing compassion, accepting the fact that ugliness and violence are everyday aspects of the "job". I've always been able to seperate the hours and events on the job from the hours and events of my life outside the electrified fences and razorwire topped walls. Work related stress has not been difficult to leave behind at the end of my shift. Hell, I don't even drink.

Today, something happened that has shaken me up and bothers me immensely. I don't know why. In 17 years I've seen so much of the ugly side of human beings that nothing really bothers me or surprises me. Today, that has changed.

An inmate who was unknown to me stood about 4 feet in front of me. She didn't say a word, she just stood there for a few moments. Looking me in the eye, she raised her right hand up from her side to her neck and slowly and deliberately drew a razor blade across her neck a few inches below her chin. She then lowered her hand and stood there looking at me as the blood began to flow out of her. She turned around and walked away from me. She made it about 10 feet before collapsing on the ground.

Personal alarm activated, medical help summoned, inmate rushed to the on-site hospital. Local ambulance company summoned, ambulance transported her to heli-pad, inmate flown to area hospital. She is still alive last I heard, so I expect she will live.

Don't know why this incident has me off-kilter when other acts of violence didn't. I only know that I am having a tough time with this one, and i' m struggling to compartmentalize what happened.

It's a screwed up world, but I've known that for years. I just don't know what to do with this one, or why it has affected me so. I don't want to make any life changing decisions until I somehow come to some understanding about my feelings and emotions, if that is even possible.

What a day. Looks like it's going to be a long night.

Peace and God bless, Wolfsong.
 
Wolfsong:" Don't know why this incident has me off-kilter when other acts of violence didn't. I only know that I am having a tough time with this one, and i' m struggling to compartmentalize what happened.

It's a screwed up world, but I've known that for years. I just don't know what to do with this one, or why it has affected me so. I don't want to make any life changing decisions until I somehow come to some understanding about my feelings and emotions, if that is even possible."

Wow, I was almost asleep reading the forum on my tablet in bed. I lay there for several minutes staring at and rereading your post. I had to get up and go over to my computer to respond.
I think the short answer is that you are human. I also think that this was a very different situation than much of what you see. It was one thing to witness violent behavior around you or in the media. I presume you are a corrections officer. You see the results of a lot of bad decisions, drug addictions, anger, mental health problems, territorial power struggles, racism, etc. While you have to keep your distance mentally from that, to keep yourself sane, you still are somewhat of a bystander. I know that sounds insulting and trivializing of the type of work you must do.
This inmate for whatever reason, and I could speculate a half dozen reasons, consciously and deliberately choose you to be a part of her death (attempted). She wanted you to see it and be helpless possibly. She pulled you into her nightmare, she wanted to take you with her even if only mentally. I cannot imagine my response would be any different than yours. Later if she survives, she maybe able to tell someone what she was thinking. I have known a couple of people that have attempted suicide and survived. They have told me that when they were in that dark place they really didn't think about the effect on others. I think your inmate had a lot more going on than that. I don't know your job, but I would guess you are there to keep everything and everyone safe and orderly. This person did not attack another inmate or physically attack you or another corrections officer. But she did attack you emotionally and made you a victim and a participant. I have been shaken a few times myself but not quite like that. Once many years ago, while walking the Golden Gate Bridge with my two young children, a man walked by me. I didn't really pay attention. My four year old daughter began shaking my wife and pointing. The man climbed over the rail three feet from my wife and child and jumped to his death. I had to flag down the bridge patrol to tell them and show them his belongings. Another time I was stuck in the E.R. with my mom and had to watch a suicide victim convulse for hours (gunshot to the head) while they searched for family. I felt horrible each time and I had no connection to either person.
I thinks this shows that while you have the ability to set aside most of the world's insanity, you can't shut everything out. Quite frankly that is probably a good thing. Someone that can be indifferent to everything is frightening. I don't know whether you should stay or go. I have a family member in mental health. They have received several requests to work in the prison systems as the need is great. They have told me with regret that simply can't do it as it would take too high a toll on them.
I hope that you are able to sleep and that things improve. I never know how much I am heard, but I do send a prayer on your behalf and even on the behalf of that inmate. Let us know how things progress. Send a P.M if you want.
 
Wow Wolfsong, that is a brutal thing to witness. I can't even imagine being that close and eye to eye with something like that. Your story gave me chills. I wish I knew what to say to help, but good vibes sent that you can somehow get through this.
 
Time to retire? Probably, if you are able to. Thing is you can not unsee anything,
you may have seen the worse of humanity over the time you have worked there.

The decision is yours to make if you can, that may be the correct one.
Only you can decide. Good Luck don't let too much of that change you. ps
 
My bet would be the apparent lack of animosity.

Be glad none of that was directed at you and that none of the blood spilled
was yours. We are!

I will make one observation about retirement that many do not understand:
Going from full bore in one direction to zero is TOUGH. From the place I
retired from (not anywhere near as tough as yours) we lost near 50% in
the first two years and near 90% in the first four. Unless you have
something else to move into, proceed with caution. 8)
 
That's a tough go right there. In my relatively uninformed estimation, the inmate didn't REALLY WANT TO DIE. If so, the act would have been done in a place where help was not immediately available. In addition, the wound was obviously not deep enough to severe the major artery or the person would not have been able to walk away.
I couldn't/wouldn't do what you've been doing. I have neither the patience or compassion to deal with that sort of group. I agree. If the hassle of facing this sort of thing is bothering you as deeply as you've stated, it's time to move on to something less stressful or more personally acceptable.
At least you have the fortitude to vent and hopefully, can find a suitable avenue to escape the current position.
 
Wolfie,,, SamV has said a lot that reflects many things.

You are smart enough & aware enough, by your comments, of not making such a decision too quickly. Maybe take a few days off, go to the woods, talk to the Good Lord, and think deeply about the things Sam mentioned.
This inmate was troubled. Ok, you've seen a lot of that. She chose her actions,,, just like the many people in there have chosen to do stuff to put them there. Just like we choose to NOT do the things to put ourselves into such a place.
She chose you,,,, likely at random, (when she was ready to try it,) as a form of protest at whatever.

But,,, you are strong. You've seen a lot,,, and just when you think you've about seen it all, you get a surprise.
But to retire because of this,,, in a angular way lets this girl gain a victory. She affected you & if you quit,,, she may well feel; "What I did got rid of one of them."

My thoughts are for you to take a few days, head into the hills & spend some time doing the things that you enjoy, & reflecting upon your family. Out in the wilds,, a discussion or three with God can be quite energizing & give you the answers you seek.
 
The inmate was obviously trying to hurt you emotionally and has serious problems. She might have been trying for death by guard in her own mind. Try to not let that incident effect you or your plans. Easier said than done I know but I'm sure the emotions will pass with reasonable time. Hang in there. ...ooops wrong saying. :wink:
 
Hi,

Wolfie, any words I can come up with seem empty right now, but as they say, "This too, shall pass," even though it won't go away. Retirement's an option, but a serious decision that shouldn't be made in haste: you'll want to talk this out a few times first. Please check your texts. Any time...

Rick C
 
Wolfsong -

One thing to keep in mind is that anyone who's in distress and looking to 'rattle cages' on their way out probably doesn't have any rage against you personally. They may rage against the system that locks them up, and the PEOPLE who participate in that system. They may rage against their own screwups in life that landed them there. They may rage against the (in their view) a corrupt society that offered no chance for them. A person like that could be on drugs...

There's no end to the possible explanations. The thing to keep in mind (IMO) is that you probably weren't selected because of who you are. I don't know what your role is, but anyone else who's part of 'the machine' (in their eyes) could easily have been the target of their act.

As to your OP - "Time to retire?" goes - I don't know how anyone could handle being in an institution like that. I've worked (as a contractor) in a few Ca prisons on their turbomachinery. Avenal, Donavan specifically. And unfortunately the equipment is smack dead in the middle of the inmate area. (Brilliant design someone came up with!) The places give me the creeps. Working full time in that environment wouldn't work for me.

You've been there for 17 years... Obviously you CAN handle most of it. There are a couple possible ways to come at this. If you're a man of faith, then compassion for a very sick fellow human being may help slide you through it. You may want to seek guidance from your religious foundation. (Pastor, Rabi, whatever..) Another thing might be to try to reach out to the person... Offer them some hope, some kind words. Turning a bad thing into a constructive thing helps me through rough times. Perhaps it'd work for you.

But for goodness sake - If you DO decide you've had it, don't let THIS be the reason for it. That woman was gonna hurt herself no matter who was standing there. Maybe you were put there because you WOULD be bothered by it.

Good luck my friend...

Best regards, Pete
 
no jesus, no peace.

know jesus.......know peace.

otherwise its the devils world. it should not alarm you. its just another day living in his realm.
 
Wolfie.... always enjoyed your post and such... wish I could get out that way and meet you one day. You have a job that I could never do. I used to be of the mind set that we men just need to tough it out with stuff like this.... but we all change.

You need to talk to someone... a professional. There is nothing wrong in this..... it doesn't make you crazy.... tramma is tough and it can sit with you for a long time.
 
Get some professional services. Use them like you paid for them.

Way before I was thirty, I walked away from emergency squad services (what we now call EMTs) after seeing what cannot be un-seen. Today I cringe in physical pain at the sight of flowing blood, no way could I get near that again, decades later.
I completely understand but cannot/willnot condone staying on the job because of - simply put, money.

Better to sell flowers on the off-ramp than voluntarily torture the only soul you have. Like physical pain, your body & brain are sending you a signal. Listen to it, when you're done, you're done.
 
Jimbo357mag said:
The inmate was obviously trying to hurt you emotionally and has serious problems. She might have been trying for death by guard in her own mind. Try to not let that incident effect you or your plans. Easier said than done I know but I'm sure the emotions will pass with reasonable time. Hang in there. ...ooops wrong saying. :wink:
Click to expand...

I tend to agree with this. From her perspective as an inmate she was powerless to harm you in any meaningful way. So she found a way she decided she could hurt you, and she was right. By forcing you to witness that. You where there I wasn't, and it's hard to rationalize what goes on in a sick head. What seems clear is for whatever reason she picked you. She could have done that at anytime. But she selected that moment for a reason in her mind. What it was ? who knows. I'm just offering the possibility that it was done to harm and make you feel exactly as you are right now.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide.
 
CGDustDevil said:
Wolfsong - But for goodness sake - If you DO decide you've had it, don't let THIS be the reason for it. That woman was gonna hurt herself no matter who was standing there.
Click to expand...


Worth repeating and giving serious consideration. Don't let her put her hurt on you.

Take care.
 
Wolf-

The world is messed up & sinking quickly in the toilet
It affects you because you still have care in your soul

BUT events that you have NO control over should never affect your personal decisions
You want to retire? go ahead, but not because of this

Out of control events should not affect your controlled events
Out of control events should not affect your controlled events
Out of control events should not affect your controlled events

Sorry to hear but heal & move on
 
Wolfie, I'm sorry you had to witness that. I believe the thoughts of retirement have been floating in your head for awhile, like it was mine. It took a sudden realization for me to finally make the decision. It's time to really start weighing your pension, savings, and future Social Security. Sure, I wish I had more $ to make it till the end, but it just wasn't worth what it was doing to me physically and mentally.

You'll make the right decision. You have my phone # bro, any time...
 
Will put in my prayers tonight Wolf. You chose a very tough occupation and have seen it all.
Your experience as well as this incident will enhance your effectiveness if you chose to continue in your line of work.
I hope you are able to come to terms with this latest event and understand it would have happened even if you were not there.
No one could blame you for choosing to leave, with what you have seen, the worst of humanity on the inside.

I have witnessed 2 folks doing their selves in plain view, nothing like your story.

I propose another theory,
Doing this in front of you almost assures her that you will respond ASAP and keep her alive. If she really wanted to off herself, she would have done it in private. My opinion is that it was a gamble by her to get attention for some serious problem she suffers from. She will surely get it now if she survives.
You should not take it personally. I don't buy the idea that she wanted you to suffer. It was a call for help.
I'm glad you were there to call for help and use your training. Perhaps this will get her the proper help she needs.

From the years of reading your posts I conclude you are a very good person, a strong person. However if you feel it is time to move on..... All my blessings. I am confidant after a few days you will make the right decision for you.

Rick
 
Main thing, only thing, is make sure-- dang sure, you take sure of your self- always.

If it is time to go you will know. If it was me in your position and I could afford it I think I would leave. you have to do what is good for you.

My job has no where near the stress you have, but its time for me- I am out this year.
 
I don't know what to say after 46 years in the healthcare field. Eleven years as a deputy sheriff and 4.5 of those years as a jail nurse. You are the only one to evaluate your position financially, emotionally. If you have trouble shaking this, I am sure there are counselors available in your system to deal with these situations. Good luck my friend.
gramps
 
I can not imagine the shock you experienced, however before making a decision evaluate your real reason for wanting to retire. This just may have been the 'switch' that did it. Before I retired one of my coworkers, a CWO, asked me if I could afford to retire. My answer to him was, could I afford not to? Sometimes circumstances dictate what the next move will be. I have never regretted my decision.
 
If you can't afford to retire, maybe just looking into another line of work. A long, long time ago my Dad was working as a full time employee of his union. He hated his job because he felt the union had evolved into something he wanted no part of, it was no longer really concerned with the well being of its members, and it sickened him to be a part of what the current bosses were asking him to do. But he couldn't really afford to retire so he just quit, and at 62 years old took a job as a security guard at a local bank. He took a huge pay cut, but felt that had he just quit and retired his pay would have gone to zero, so the security guard pay was all gravy. He loved going to work each day and interacting with nice people coming and going to the bank. Unfortunately for him, just two years in this job that he loved he was diagnosed with lung cancer (he never smoked) and died within a few months. The lesson is, life can be a lot happier if you are not miserable at your job, even if it seems at first to be a real downer to take a lesser paying position after many years doing one thing. Good luck to you whatever you decide to do.
 
My advice, for what it's worth, especially when you talking about this type of public service job, is that when almost every call or contact gets to be like fingernails on the blackboard (and if you can afford it) pull the pin. If you still generally like the work, despite incidents like you described (which no one would like), then you'd probably miss it soon and wish you hadn't retired. Take a few days, calm down and evaluate that aspect and base your decision on that. In my case I was at the fingernails on the blackboard stage but still needed to go 4 more years to get the retirement I needed. Fortunately, for me, they decided to downsize by offering people who were close to retirement a "golden handshake" that made it possible for me to retire a little early.
 
Wolf, many good words have been written. I can't add to that other than to say you are in my prayers. A little thing I know, but I also know it helps.
 
I suspect that this was a "last straw" event. Research tells me that correctional work is one of the most stressful of all occupations. The combination of boredom and constant danger takes a lot out of a person over the years.

Wolfsong, Taking an early retirement just means you can then work for yourself. I "retired" at age 50 and have then worked for myself in real estate and stock market investing with great success. Almost zero stress and tons of free time to really enjoy life.

Keep in mind that time is our most precious commodity.

Your friend,

John
 
Wolfie, I think it was a great idea to allow yourself to let this "air out" here with people who love you and care for you. I think Mobuck nailed it on the girls intention, technically I call her mood "ambivalent" as far as her death. Had she been serious, it wouldn't have taken a much deeper cut to hit the artery and her decision would have been determined. But she didn't, and she did it in front of you. Was she willing to die? Yes I think so, but she did it in front of you because she hadn't totally decided and was counting on you to do something. And she was right. You did do something and set things in motion that saved her life. She put a lot of faith in you in her moment of darkness.

I also agree with whoever said, don't let this action be what determines your next move. Take a couple of days off and let the whole thing continue to air out, rather than bury it like the other things you have had to deal with. With all the things that you have buried I can see how this one would get to you. Talk to someone you trust, a minister or counselor, I'm sure they are available through work. You are the only one who can decide if it's time to retire, there are a lot of questions you have to ask yourself for that decision. Could be you just need to get away from it for a while, and could be a job change, yes and maybe a life change is called for. But don't make a reflex decision, take some time, and make it your decision. Prayers for you during this time.
 
Jeepnik said:
Wolf, many good words have been written. I can't add to that other than to say you are in my prayers. A little thing I know, but I also know it helps.
Click to expand...

Prayer for our fellow man is no 'little thing'... ;) But I reckon you may already know that! :D
 
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