KIR
Sparks, NV
- Joined
- Mar 2, 2022
- Messages
- 2,126
I don't believe in astrology myself, but did you ever notice how they never say anything bad about a person. This is a HORRORscope that shows some people were born on a rotten day.
9-12-2000
HORRORscope
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18) As, a water sign, it's only natural that Aquarians find comfort in liquids...with a high alcoholic content. However, you are the type of romanticist that gets you frequent pleas from your ex-lovers...to leave them alone. Prospects for love? Don't mistake your explosive passions for a nervous breakdown. You have an inventive mind...you lie a great deal. You love nature and are more interested in natural and artistic beauty than in material success. You are so cynical and anti-social about love with a human; you seek arbo-sexualism, an intimate relationship with a tree, which is convenient as Aquarius is the water sign. Aquarians are completely self sufficient as they are gifted panhandlers. This leads to poverty and an eventual pauper's grave. Statistics show that starvation is the greatest cause of death among Aquarians, followed closely by leprosy. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination, which has caused you to become paranoid. You often think you are being followed by the FBI or the CIA. Your sign, the fish, is known as the "Chicken of the Sea" which accounts for your lack of confidence and your reputation as a coward. You are generally unable to secure gainful employment. Due to over self-abuse you will find yourself going blind by the age of twenty-five. Your magnetic personality attracts the homeless, religious fanatics and serial killers. On the opposite end of your personality is your peculiarly repellent nature which will goad your seeing-eye dog to turn on you or deliberately lead you into oncoming traffic. Your diseased filled body will make an excellent autopsy specimen for a medical school.
ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) Arians usually get ahead by pushing to the front of lines. Opportunities for romance by you Rams are outstanding as your abode is located next door to a house of ill-repute. A future romance will heat up til it becomes a lukewarm affair. You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt, but you love animals-such as toads and snakes. The initial sympathy people give to you for your homely looking face quickly turns to loathing after people really get to know you. Most Arians die in public urinals, but only because of their own chosen careers as washroom attendants. Arians also strive to go into business for themselves as shoe shiners, but they rarely make it.
TAURUS Apr 20-May 20) Like your sign, the bull, you are persistent, strong willed, and determined to get your own way. This frequently leads you into trouble with the law so chances for travel are practically non-existent as you are generally incarcerated. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed, but this may be only as a result of the small undetectable tumor in your brain which causes headaches, confusion and chaos. You will stumble on to become a good concentration camp guard or have a bright future making license plates.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21) You, are a quick and intelligent thinker, highly creative and excel in the arts, such as finger painting and sand castle building. Everybody likes you because you are bi-sexual. A dash of paranoia/schizophrenia leads you to blame everything on your non-existent evil twin. You are generous to a fault as you give away things that do not belong to you. Your two faced nature stamps you as a polygamist, which in turn leads to your favorite past time...committing incest. Gemini's are so charming that love-making may last forever, though they often, never get to the point of why they were in bed. Male Gemini's make good pimps and die in bed, usually shot by a husband.
CANCER (Jun 22-Jul 22) You, are shy by nature, walk sideways frequently running into walls and quickly retreat into the crab-like shell that signifies your sign whenever you feel emotionally threatened. This leads to a lifetime of bed-wetting, as well as related psychosomatic disorders such as bleeding gums, diarrhea and psoriasis. Cancers are generally sweet due to their high sugar intake. Crabs seek oral gratification which leads to large waist lines and energy levels. True to your sign, you generally develop intestinal cancer by early middle age and your demanding nature frequently drives your nurses to water down your pain killers or to disconnect your glucose tubes. However your suicidal tendencies tend to avert long hospitalization. In your relatively healthy early years, Cancers make good welfare recipients, or inmates.
LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) Like your sign, the lion, you think you are proud, majestic and a born leader. Actually you are vain, pushy and a bully. You dislike honest criticism and your arrogance is disgusting. You are brutally honest and do not hesitate to tell people off first, so they won't expose your own shortcomings (in your pants). An intolerance of the weaknesses in other people, make you hated by all and resent you for flaunting your imagined power. Leo's suffer from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). To achieve status amongst your peers you place ads in sexual underground tabloids. Your preferences run to masochistic multiple amputees. Chances for travel are good as you like to roam, from married spouse to married spouse. Leos prefer "oral" sex as they are also responsible for 85% of all obscene phone calls. They like to "talk" about it as most of them are impotent. Power struggles in the workplace are easily overcome for you. You just have a contract put out on them.
VIRGO Aug 23-Sep 22) You, are the logical type, hate disorder, are perfectionists and have a fear of dust. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. Your fanatic attention to detail often leads to success in business and finance. It also causes frequent nervous breakdowns and eventual alcoholism or drug addiction. You are lucky at love as you meet a lot of transsexuals, but you are cold, unemotional and often fall asleep while making love.
People are not worried about being hand fed by Virgo but they are often repelled by the smell of disinfectant wafting about her. Lucky in love, she is often dropped like a hot potato when her lover learns she is loath to mess up the bed. Faithful to a fault, Virgo can sometimes be seen at age 50 telling her latest lover-to-be, he must wait until she is sure that little redheaded boy she knew at age 5 is certain he no longer is expecting her to wait for him.
LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) Like, the scales of justice symbolizing your sign, Librans must balance the conflicting poles of their own temperament. This signifies an unbalanced mind. You have a difficult time with reality which leads to periods of depressions and mental institutions. If you are a man you are more than likely impotent. For women, when they are not incarcerated, chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women succeed in home based businesses as they make good prostitutes. All Libras die of venereal disease. Your birth months are a good time for inner reflection, so clean out your belly button!
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) You, are shrewd in business as you put off debts as long as possible. You cannot be trusted but will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You enjoy the pain and suffering of others and will go to great lengths to achieve it as you are the type to carry a grudge to your grave. Scorpios make good loan sharks and blackmailers. Your career tip to others for advancement works for you as you frequently shoot your new boss. Your sexual preferences run to chains, whips and rubber garments...but only with those of your own sex. Most Scorpios are found murdered. Be prepared to travel as you will be getting a pink slip along with your final paycheck. So it is a good time to break free of old habits (alcohol, cocaine, etc.).
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) The archer hits the target after struggling for financial independence by finding someone who will support him. You have a romantic nature and are deeply interested in such exotic subjects as mysticism, reincarnation and extra-sensory perception. You rely on good luck charms due to your total lack of talent. You let your darker nature shine through by becoming involved with black magic and voodoo in order to gain revenge on those who have scorned you. You shun daylight and prefer cemeteries and caves infested with bats and spiders. As Sagittarians, women think they are witches and men grave robbers. You have excellent culinary skills and your favorite recipe is swan's head stew. Your psycho...er...psychic abilities are strongly emphasized during your birth months. You have been predicting the end of the world since your 18th birthday. Famous people born under this sign include Dracula.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) You, are conservative and afraid of taking risks as you were dropped on your head as a kid. You do have the ability to make others do things for you as you don't do much of anything and are lazy. This leads to making love using vibrators, on water beds during earth quakes or on washing machines during the spin-dry cycle. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long as they tend to take root and become trees. That is why you have that fungus between your toes. Capricorns are so lonely that in order to meet people they write their own name and phone # in restrooms. All Capricorns are worthless and should stop using up the oxygen in the air, preferably by self-asphyxiation. Famous people born under this sign: Al Capone who died of syphilis.
Kir (Gemini - I can laugh at myself)
"Personally, I think astrology is a bunch of Taurus!"
9-12-2000
HORRORscope
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18) As, a water sign, it's only natural that Aquarians find comfort in liquids...with a high alcoholic content. However, you are the type of romanticist that gets you frequent pleas from your ex-lovers...to leave them alone. Prospects for love? Don't mistake your explosive passions for a nervous breakdown. You have an inventive mind...you lie a great deal. You love nature and are more interested in natural and artistic beauty than in material success. You are so cynical and anti-social about love with a human; you seek arbo-sexualism, an intimate relationship with a tree, which is convenient as Aquarius is the water sign. Aquarians are completely self sufficient as they are gifted panhandlers. This leads to poverty and an eventual pauper's grave. Statistics show that starvation is the greatest cause of death among Aquarians, followed closely by leprosy. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination, which has caused you to become paranoid. You often think you are being followed by the FBI or the CIA. Your sign, the fish, is known as the "Chicken of the Sea" which accounts for your lack of confidence and your reputation as a coward. You are generally unable to secure gainful employment. Due to over self-abuse you will find yourself going blind by the age of twenty-five. Your magnetic personality attracts the homeless, religious fanatics and serial killers. On the opposite end of your personality is your peculiarly repellent nature which will goad your seeing-eye dog to turn on you or deliberately lead you into oncoming traffic. Your diseased filled body will make an excellent autopsy specimen for a medical school.
ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) Arians usually get ahead by pushing to the front of lines. Opportunities for romance by you Rams are outstanding as your abode is located next door to a house of ill-repute. A future romance will heat up til it becomes a lukewarm affair. You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt, but you love animals-such as toads and snakes. The initial sympathy people give to you for your homely looking face quickly turns to loathing after people really get to know you. Most Arians die in public urinals, but only because of their own chosen careers as washroom attendants. Arians also strive to go into business for themselves as shoe shiners, but they rarely make it.
TAURUS Apr 20-May 20) Like your sign, the bull, you are persistent, strong willed, and determined to get your own way. This frequently leads you into trouble with the law so chances for travel are practically non-existent as you are generally incarcerated. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed, but this may be only as a result of the small undetectable tumor in your brain which causes headaches, confusion and chaos. You will stumble on to become a good concentration camp guard or have a bright future making license plates.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21) You, are a quick and intelligent thinker, highly creative and excel in the arts, such as finger painting and sand castle building. Everybody likes you because you are bi-sexual. A dash of paranoia/schizophrenia leads you to blame everything on your non-existent evil twin. You are generous to a fault as you give away things that do not belong to you. Your two faced nature stamps you as a polygamist, which in turn leads to your favorite past time...committing incest. Gemini's are so charming that love-making may last forever, though they often, never get to the point of why they were in bed. Male Gemini's make good pimps and die in bed, usually shot by a husband.
CANCER (Jun 22-Jul 22) You, are shy by nature, walk sideways frequently running into walls and quickly retreat into the crab-like shell that signifies your sign whenever you feel emotionally threatened. This leads to a lifetime of bed-wetting, as well as related psychosomatic disorders such as bleeding gums, diarrhea and psoriasis. Cancers are generally sweet due to their high sugar intake. Crabs seek oral gratification which leads to large waist lines and energy levels. True to your sign, you generally develop intestinal cancer by early middle age and your demanding nature frequently drives your nurses to water down your pain killers or to disconnect your glucose tubes. However your suicidal tendencies tend to avert long hospitalization. In your relatively healthy early years, Cancers make good welfare recipients, or inmates.
LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) Like your sign, the lion, you think you are proud, majestic and a born leader. Actually you are vain, pushy and a bully. You dislike honest criticism and your arrogance is disgusting. You are brutally honest and do not hesitate to tell people off first, so they won't expose your own shortcomings (in your pants). An intolerance of the weaknesses in other people, make you hated by all and resent you for flaunting your imagined power. Leo's suffer from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). To achieve status amongst your peers you place ads in sexual underground tabloids. Your preferences run to masochistic multiple amputees. Chances for travel are good as you like to roam, from married spouse to married spouse. Leos prefer "oral" sex as they are also responsible for 85% of all obscene phone calls. They like to "talk" about it as most of them are impotent. Power struggles in the workplace are easily overcome for you. You just have a contract put out on them.
VIRGO Aug 23-Sep 22) You, are the logical type, hate disorder, are perfectionists and have a fear of dust. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. Your fanatic attention to detail often leads to success in business and finance. It also causes frequent nervous breakdowns and eventual alcoholism or drug addiction. You are lucky at love as you meet a lot of transsexuals, but you are cold, unemotional and often fall asleep while making love.
People are not worried about being hand fed by Virgo but they are often repelled by the smell of disinfectant wafting about her. Lucky in love, she is often dropped like a hot potato when her lover learns she is loath to mess up the bed. Faithful to a fault, Virgo can sometimes be seen at age 50 telling her latest lover-to-be, he must wait until she is sure that little redheaded boy she knew at age 5 is certain he no longer is expecting her to wait for him.
LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) Like, the scales of justice symbolizing your sign, Librans must balance the conflicting poles of their own temperament. This signifies an unbalanced mind. You have a difficult time with reality which leads to periods of depressions and mental institutions. If you are a man you are more than likely impotent. For women, when they are not incarcerated, chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women succeed in home based businesses as they make good prostitutes. All Libras die of venereal disease. Your birth months are a good time for inner reflection, so clean out your belly button!
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) You, are shrewd in business as you put off debts as long as possible. You cannot be trusted but will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You enjoy the pain and suffering of others and will go to great lengths to achieve it as you are the type to carry a grudge to your grave. Scorpios make good loan sharks and blackmailers. Your career tip to others for advancement works for you as you frequently shoot your new boss. Your sexual preferences run to chains, whips and rubber garments...but only with those of your own sex. Most Scorpios are found murdered. Be prepared to travel as you will be getting a pink slip along with your final paycheck. So it is a good time to break free of old habits (alcohol, cocaine, etc.).
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) The archer hits the target after struggling for financial independence by finding someone who will support him. You have a romantic nature and are deeply interested in such exotic subjects as mysticism, reincarnation and extra-sensory perception. You rely on good luck charms due to your total lack of talent. You let your darker nature shine through by becoming involved with black magic and voodoo in order to gain revenge on those who have scorned you. You shun daylight and prefer cemeteries and caves infested with bats and spiders. As Sagittarians, women think they are witches and men grave robbers. You have excellent culinary skills and your favorite recipe is swan's head stew. Your psycho...er...psychic abilities are strongly emphasized during your birth months. You have been predicting the end of the world since your 18th birthday. Famous people born under this sign include Dracula.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) You, are conservative and afraid of taking risks as you were dropped on your head as a kid. You do have the ability to make others do things for you as you don't do much of anything and are lazy. This leads to making love using vibrators, on water beds during earth quakes or on washing machines during the spin-dry cycle. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long as they tend to take root and become trees. That is why you have that fungus between your toes. Capricorns are so lonely that in order to meet people they write their own name and phone # in restrooms. All Capricorns are worthless and should stop using up the oxygen in the air, preferably by self-asphyxiation. Famous people born under this sign: Al Capone who died of syphilis.
Kir (Gemini - I can laugh at myself)
"Personally, I think astrology is a bunch of Taurus!"
