The Patient

exavid

Hunter
Joined
Jan 2, 2011
Messages
3,071
City & State/Province
Medford, OR
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
 
LOVED IT !!
Then there was the Admiral in the hospital for some MINOR ailment that used his Rank to be a MAJOR pain in the rectal area for everyone on the hospital staff.
One day, a person in a white Doctor's coat and wearing a face mask came into the room and told him to roll over for a Rectal temperature check.
The Admiral complied, the thermometer was inserted and the person left.
Half an Hour later, a Nurse came into the room and in a shocked voice asked, "Admiral what are you doing?"

The Admiral replied, "Getting my temperature checked, haven't YOU ever seen someone get his temperature checked?"

The nurse replied, "Yes Sir, I have seen that done, BUT NEVER with a FLOWER!"
 
I had a similar experience a few months ago when I had to undergo a sleep study.

After the nurse wired me up with 15 different sensors, she left the room for about an hour. When she returned and as she was slipping out of her sweater, I swear she asked me, "are you ready to misbehave?"

Stunned, I just looked at her. She raised her eyebrows and nodded toward the bed.

"What did you just ask me", I said. She repeated, "Are you ready to hit the hay?"

Oh! For a minute there I thought I was going to have to call my insurance company and my wife for pre-approval for a procedure that wasn't on the information sheet.
 
When I was in the hospital after an operation I awoke finding two nurses, one on each side of the bed. They were putting some ointment on you know where. I said,

DON'T.........STOP.........

DON'T.....STOP.....

DON'T..STOP..

DON'T, STOP!, DON'T,STOP!!!!DON'T,STOP,DON'T,DON'T,STOP!!!!!

But they did and left laughing??
 
I had an old lady customer with an Irish accent ask me plain as day if I "was up for a quickie"? I turned around and she was holding a tray of cookies.
 
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