Old Irish Jokes

[Colonialgirl]

An Irishman moves to the Mid West. When he goes to the pub he orders beer in increments of 3. When asked why he does this, he answers," My one brother is back in Ireland, my other brother is in Australia and I'm here. We never get to see each other.
We decided that if we get a beer, we buy one for each brother and drink it for him.
After a while he starts ordering 2 at a time.
The bartender says I'm sorry for your loss."
The Irishman asks what do you mean?
I've noticed you only ordering 2 beers at a time. We expected the worse.
The Irishman says, "Oh no, these 2 beers are my brothers. I gave up beer for Lent."
====================================

Reminds me of the joke that goes "An Irishman walks out of a bar."

Some people actually wait for a punch line!

 

[eveled]

An Englishman walks into an Irish pub.

Says I have a challenge for all of you. If any of you can drink 10 pints of Guiness in an hour, I'll give you $100 bill. While he's giving the challenge Shamus O'Reilly sneaks quietly out the back door.

Several people take the challenge and fail miserably. Later Shamus comes back into the pub, accepts the challenge. Then proceeds to pound 10 pints of Guinness in short order.

As the Limey is paying the debt, he says I have to know where did you sneak off to?

Shamus says I wasn't sure I could drink that much Guiness in an hour, so I went next door to try it!

 

[wunbe]

Father Obrian, spiritual adviser to the Notre Dame football team, is visited by O'Rourke, the star linebacker, who poses a moral problem for him.

The biology department at the state university is offering a substantial sum for an athlete in top condition to mate with a female gorilla and thus establish the scientific potential of inter-breeding between primate species. He needs the money but suspects he also needs an OK from Mother Church.

The good Father sends him on his way with a promise to research the matter and a day later delivers the message.

"No kissing on the lips and the kid must be raised Catholic".

wunbe

 

[Acorn]

A young woman is with a traveling circus in Ireland, and being it is Lent she decides to go to the local church for Confession in preparation to do her "Easter Duty"
The old priest hears her sins and says "I don't recognize your voice lass, are you new in town?"
"No Father I'm with the circus and just passing thru."
"The circus, and what would you be doing with the circus?"
"I'm an acrobatic dancer Father" said the woman.
"An acrobatic dancer? What exactly is an acrobatic dancer?" Asks the priest.
"Well, uh. I think it would easier to show you." said the woman.
The woman steps out of the confessional and under the watchful eye of the priest begins doing a number of somersaults, cartwheels, backflips etc.
Meanwhile to much older women are watching the goings on.
Mrs Murphy says "Lord, do you see what father is giving for Penance today?"
Mrs Dolan replies "Aye, and what a day for me to not wear my knickers!"

 

[Acorn]

Father Obrian, spiritual adviser to the Notre Dame football team, is visited by O'Rourke, the star linebacker, who poses a moral problem for him.

The biology department at the state university is offering a substantial sum for an athlete in top condition to mate with a female gorilla and thus establish the scientific potential of inter-breeding between primate species. He needs the money but suspects he also needs an OK from Mother Church.

The good Father sends him on his way with a promise to research the matter and a day later delivers the message.

"No kissing on the lips and the kid must be raised Catholic".

wunbe

Going to be telling this one tomorrow!

 

[LDM]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? There's one less drunk at the wake.

 

[Acorn]

Posted here before but;
A drunk stumbles into a confessional one Saturday morning.
The priest opens the confessional window and waits.
Silence.
He clears his throat hoping to hear a response.
Again silence.
Finally he knocks on the wall awaking the drunk.
"No use knocking Buddy" says the drunk "There's no toilet paper here either"

 

[Geoff Timm]

How about a local Irish joke, from the days when West 25th Street in Cleveland was more Irish than Dublin:


Once upon a time in Greater Cleveland, Ohio... Father Murphy, a rotund Cleric from Saint Edwards in Lakewood was in a good family tavern near Marlow and Detroit, enjoying his second half pint, a full pint being a bit improper for a churchman, when a young parishioner ran in and shouted, "Father Murphy! Father Murphy! There's a man on top the silly name building and he's about to JUMP!"
The silly name building actually has a name and it is silly but no one can pronounce it, so everybody calls it the silly name building. Finishing his brew in a gulp, no sense wasting good suds, the stoic cleric ran out the door, to the surprise of those who thought running was not one of his talents, having never seen him move that quickly. Down the street he ran and saw the crowd on the sidewalk and he looked up to see a very distraught looking man teetering on the edge of the parapet, more than high enough to do himself in. The crowd made way for the priest and if they didn't a kick in the gastrocnemius caused an immediate parting of the way. Sergeant Brennan glanced at the cleric as he appeared through the crowd and without comment, bowing to superior blarney, handed the priest his yellow issue bullhorn.
"Lad. Lad! Don't do it! Tis a mortal sin! Think of your family!"
"Oh, Father," came back the plaintive, tearful cry, "my wife left me and ran off with my accountant, they took all my money and ruined my business and my only son dropped out of Case and has gone to HAIRDRESSERS SCHOOL!"
"What about your friends lad?" asked the anxious priest.
"That bunch of worthless barflies not only knew about my wife's affair, they were making book on the date I'd get DUMPED!”
The diminutive cleric took a deep breath, for truly this innocent had been sorely tried...
"Think Lad, it's football season and the Browns are winn'in!”
"I'm a Pittsburgh fan Father!" came back the reply from on high...
"A PITTSBURGH FAN!" Shouted Murphy, "WELL JUMP YOU GODLESS HEATHEN AND YOU'LL BE IN YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE!"

Geoff
Who notes in fairness, the Pittsburgh version features Father WoJo!