No Sex Tonight

[Wyandot Jim]

I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear ..."You're just not enough in touch with my emotional needs as a woman for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"


Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day, I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out and ate a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?!"

Then I said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not enough in touch with my financial means as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?

Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either….

 

[SAJohn]

Maybe never again. You might consider the Priesthood.

I once had a girl friend who, after we got to that stage of intimacy, told me with a straight face that she expected me to "perform" at least once a day. I started stammering and she burst out laughing at the worried look on my face.

 

[Merle1948]

Maybe never again. You might consider the Priesthood.

I once had a girl friend who, after we got to that stage of intimacy, told me with a straight face that she expected me to "perform" at least once a day. I started stammering and she burst out laughing at the worried look on my face.

Or at least get a steel jockstrap! :arrow:

 

[Cholo]

Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either….

Well, at least not with her

SAJohn, and you didn't marry that woman, why? :mrgreen:

 

[Bull Barrel]

There was no guarantee you would get any after spending all that money, either.
But you did get some satisfaction.

 

[buckeyeshooter]

I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear ..."You're just not enough in touch with my emotional needs as a woman for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"


Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day, I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out and ate a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?!"

Then I said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not enough in touch with my financial means as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?

Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either….

Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander! Sounds like time for a new wife to me.

 

[Paul B]

Hope I don't gert banned for this. :shock:
John was in bed with Mary and feeling a little rambunctious. Mary said, The kids are getting old enough to realize certain things so from now on, just a ask to use the "washing machine." So john asked to use the "machine" and Mary said, "Not tonight. I'm not in the mood." Mary had a hard time going to sleep. John being a good husband and provider had needs. So, Mary wakes John us and says. "I m sorry. I was selfish. You can use the washing machine." John said, "No problem. I did my clothes by hand."
Paul B.

 

[Rancher Will]

The National Western Stock Show in Denver this months is always great event. My wife and I always make it a point to visit many old friend from all over the United States and Canada in Denver at the show.

Overheard in the cattle barn as an older couple perhaps city folks were looking at a prize Herford Bull:

Reading the notice posted on the post next to one bull, the lady mentioned to her husband, "It says this bull produced over five hundred prize progeny. Maybe you could learn some benefits about it."

The Husband replied, "I doubt it was with the same cow."

 

[exavid]

Sex... what's that? Old age is the pits. Diabetes makes the pit deeper.

 

[Rook]

I once had a girl friend who, after we got to that stage of intimacy, told me with a straight face that she expected me to "perform" at least once a day.

I would have told her I'm not cutting back to once a day for you or anybody else.

 

[SAJohn]

Rook, She would have called my bluff. The Beachboy's song praises California girls, I suspect the lads never got to Australia.

 

[greenmtnguy]

I am on the floor laughing from these!!