Need some advice

[WarpathEngineering]

I'm having some problems with one of my nephew and I'd like to get your'alls take on what I should do.

First let me say that I'm the oldest of 5 and that my wife and I do not have any kids. I am godfather to one of my brother's little boys who is turning 6 this year. He has an older brother who is going on 9 or 10 and is a real pain in the ass. My sister-in-law is the youngest and a twin of a family of about 8 kids. She is more of the new age type parent where kids should be reasoned with when they do something wrong and not punished in any way. My brother is very laid back and I think he just goes along with things. While I have my own opinions about how kids should be raised, I don't have any of my own and try hard not to speak my mind.

Anyway, the older boy finds pleasure in tormenting my godson. Examples would be if he is standing up, the older one knocks him down. If he is on the ground, he gets a swift kick. If he's playing with a toy, the older one takes it away from him. If he want's to watch a program on the tv, the older one will take and control the remote. At Christmas time it's hard to keep the older one from tearing open my godson's presents and so on. My godson to his credit has started standing up for himself but then usually gets in trouble with his parents for beating the crap out of his older brother. To put all this in context, my mother has even said that the older one is not a likable child.

I'd like to get my godson a pedal go-kart for his birthday in June but everyone around me is telling me it's not a good idea since the older brother will just take it away and monopolize it. My argument is that any gift I give him will probably wind up the same way and his older brother's behavior shouldn't prevent my godson the joy of getting a nice gift once and a while. I see their concerns and it will be difficult not to grab the older boy by the arm and tell him that if I catch him on it, I'll rip his head off.

Any idea's? I've spoken with my brother on numerous occasions about the interactions between his two boys and my fears that the older boy will turn the younger one into a mean kid over time but it doesn't seem to sink in or make a difference.

 

[Don Lovel]

Take the youngest one and teach him this important lesson in Japanese
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ll1GCzl4Bxg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjbZDCkIZeU
all the videos in this series are pretty good to share with the little guy.
When Indigo was in 2nd grade, three 4th grader bullies jumped him after school filled his clothes with snow and dumped out his book bag, then the biggest one punched him in the side of the head and bruised his ear up pretty noticible.
When my daughter tried to talk to the school principal about it she got told there was nothing he would do.
I stepped in, and in 30 minutes of instruction, Indigo could get a painful grip on me no problem.
I called the principal, told him that Indigo would now defend himself and we did not want to hear anything else about it
About a week later, the kid who hit him in the ear grabbed him in lunch line and as he was about to hit him, Indigo put him on his knees crying.
Principal talked about suspending Indigo to which I told him with a very stern look, "you suspend him, I suspend you...."
end of problem.
Aikido is 100% defensive and can be done without causing permanent injury, but it does inflict enough pain to make the idiot let go
-

 

[hittman]

Include the troubled youth in SOME of your activites with your God-son.

Leading by example may be your best course of action. After all ..... since you're not the childs parent you're not really an authority figure to him.

There may be bigger problems than you can "fix".

Prayer couldn't hurt either. :wink:

 

[DGW1949]

With all due respect, your godson will need to learn how to deal with bullies on his own, sooner or later, no matter what...and the fact that the one presently in question happens to be his big brother may-well lead to it being the sooner.

As to your question of should you as a non-parent buy a gift for one while being reasonably sure that it would become a point of contention between the two...no, that's not something that I would do.

Hope this helped.

DGW

 

[Jimbo357mag]

The kids are both your nephews, so treat them the same, with kindness, and be a good uncle. Forget about the godson thing, don't even mention it, as it will probably hurt the older one. Behavior should be judged fairly by the parents and there is little you can do or say about that.

 

[Bull Barrel]

Tell the parents how you feel. It may do no good and they may be offended but who cares. You will feel better.

 

[WarpathEngineering]

Thanks all for your input.

For those who cautioned giving a gift all together, I failed to mention that in our family it is tradition and to some extent expected that godparents give gifts to their godchildren on the occasions of their birthdays and Christmas as well as any milestone celebrations such as graduation, etc. So in that respect a gift is forthcoming regardless. In my mind, any gift I give him will be a used by the older against the younger.

 

[Pat-inCO]

Any idea's? I've spoken with my brother on numerous occasions
about the interactions between his two boys and my fears that the older
boy will turn the younger one into a mean kid over time but it doesn't
seem to sink in or make a difference.

You have done everything you can.
With that said, nothing says you can not repeat yourself.
Your brother . . . must . . . be the one to initiate the solution. YOU can
assist as both of you are comfortable with, but it is HIS job.

 

[PriseDeFer]

You're an adult, chosen by the lad's parents as godfather, both the boys in question are family. These things bind you to the obligation to speak your mind and interact with the kids as you see fit. It is up to the parents to fire you if they don't like it.

 

[Sin6Sec63451022]

I gotta ask why the oldest is not also your godson. Does he have his own godfather? It sounds as if the parents don't really give a rats patoot about either one of them. How about you take just the oldest and do something special with just him? One time might not do the trick, but maybe you'll get an idea of how to proceed from there. I'm sure you'd kinda like to see the little one knock the dog out of his brother, but ultimately that's not the long term answer. He needs to know he's a jerk, but it needs to be taught with some tact and love.

 

[~JM~]

Sounds like the older brother may be jealous of the younger brother.

One of the guys I knew while growing up, was often beat-up, etc, by his older brother. Continued until early adulthood. It was not a case of the older brother trying to "toughen up" the younger brother.

 

[WarpathEngineering]

The older one has a different godfather. A lot has to do with parenting styles. His wife's family who are known to us are all like this. I've been to their house for parties before and the basement looks like a scene out of Lord of the Flies. They only seem to get involved when the blood starts flowing. I used to think it was funny to watch, not having kids of my own. As soon as the parents hit the front door and get a drink in their hand, you can almost see the responsibility light go off and they are on vacation.

I don't know that I would classify it as jealousy. I really don't think the older one understands boundaries and has a need to be the center of attention whether that is showing off or getting in trouble. Since there doesn't seem to be any severe repercussions in getting in trouble, he doesn't see the difference.

 

[Pierow]

Based on your original post it seems your Godson has started solving his problem. If his parents punish him for fighting back, you, Godfather should reward it. That comment you made about the older brother tearing open your Godson's presents really bothers me. Not trying to say I'm this perfect person but man, I would not stand for any of my nieces doing that to the other.

Instead of getting him the car how about a couple sets of Socker Boppers for the lad? They are inflatable boxing gloves the brothers can use on each other. They can go down to their "Lord of the Flies" basement and have at it. The gift itself is a statement to both your brother and his wife.

Best wishes Warpath,

Pierow

 

[Don Lovel]

Instead of a gift, a fishing trip, adventure or range day for the young one with the pain in the butt kid left at home

 

[ChiefMuzz]

Tell the parents how you feel. It may do no good and they may be offended but who cares. You will feel better.

IMO, but very bad advice. They are the parents and if they want your opinion they'll ask for it. Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean it's worth dirt and definitely doesn't entitle you to share it openly and especially when it could ruin already standing relationships.

Doing something just so you can feel better is simply selfish. Best advice given was to try and help the younger and lead by example. Definitely keep giving gifts, because you may inadvertently alter your relationship with the younger if you stop and he doesn't know why.

 

[blackhawknj]

Perhaps you should act like that "other" Godfather, talk to the bully, "make him an offer he can't refuse."

 

[WendyZXZ]

If they visit and spend any real time with you, get the pedal go kart and keep it at your house for when your godson visits. You and he can make the choice on what happens with it when/if they visit.