Jokes For The Day..

[GP100]

Over the years, I have written a few jokes, and stolen a few here and there.. And would like to share them with you..

Here's one I like to call.............

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a big glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the following Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka. don't gulp it.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at ST. Peter's NOT a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[Colonialgirl]

N oldie but still goodie

 

[GP100]

I like to call this one....

A Fair Judge

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

:mrgreen:

 

[GP100]

Sexual Harassment.

A man walks up to a woman in her office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to the HR (Human Resources) Department. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

 

[GP100]

The New Admittance Policy To Heaven..

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, 'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.

A few seconds later the next guy comes up.

'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. 'OK, so what's your story?'

The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator.........

 

[contender]

 

[GP100]

This One Is For The Ladies..

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! Two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me." The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! - The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story...

Men might be ungrateful idiots.... But fairies are... Well, female... :wink:

 

[GP100]

The Church Sign..

I was driving through a town one day when I saw this sign. I couldn’t help but snap the picture....

 

[SAJohn]

So far, IMHO, GP100's story with the fridge is the winner.

 

[Tom W]

The first one wasn't bad, either!

 

[GP100]

I've got tons of these jokes.. I wrote a huge book years ago of jokes.. Never got it published yet..

I'll post a few more here for you guy's to enjoy.. if there's any you like, feel free to take them.

 

[GP100]

Don't Ask, You Might Regret It...

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? This one might give you pause to think.
While sitting in a local Mexican restaurant. We noticed a woman checking her young daughter’s pants. Then she asked her young son if he had an accident in his pants. We would later find out that he was being potty trained and the mother was having trouble with him and had to stay on him constantly. We did notice a foul smell that was getting worse and the mother asked her child three more times if he was sure he didn’t have to use the bathroom. The boy obviously upset by this continued questioning, got up on his chair, pulled his pants down to his ankles, spread his butt cheeks and exclaimed "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While everyone in the restaurant nearly choked to death on their food laughing, the boy calmly pulled his pants up and sat down. The mother was mortified. I tried to make the mother feel better by thanking her for the best laugh I have had in years.

 

[GP100]

Have you ever wished your mouth and life had a rewind button?

Written by Mike Petter.

There are times in everyone’s life when they wish they had a rewind button they can push to save themselves the embarrassment of a statement gone badly. Here are just a few of the many that I have saved over the years. They are all true.

#1) I walked into a local hair salon with my wife Pam. She was eager to get her hair done that day because it was our Anniversary and we were going to dinner. Upon entering the Salon she called to the woman at the back of the store “Excuse me, how much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob?” Everyone in the shop immediately stopped and looked at her. She put her head down and turned on her heels and we both exited the shop. I never said a word, I knew better than to open my mouth. We never went back.


#2) One day, I was in Boise at a sports shop where I witnessed the following. I was looking at a few things on the shelf when a good-looking woman entered the store and was approached by the guy working there. She said she was a Golfer, and was unhappy with the Golf balls she had been using that were designed for women. He asked her if he could help her find something more to her liking. Without missing a beat, she looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men's balls."


#3) A friend of mine was shopping with me and my girlfriend a few years back in a local store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. Our friend Tammy replied “No, I'm just looking at your nuts." We started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned. Tammy turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, we haven’t let her live it down.


#4) While shopping at my local Wal-Mart one day, I witnessed an argument ensuing between a very young girl and her mother. The mother grabbed her daughter by the arm and told her if she didn’t behave herself “right now” she would be punished when they got home. The girl thought for a second and jerked her arm away from her mother, folded her arms across her chest and exclaimed in a voice just as threatening, “And if you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!” The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the cashiers for three checkout counters stopped what they were doing and looked to see where this statement had come from. The poor woman mustered up the last of her dignity and grabbed her daughter and walked out of the store leaving a cart full of groceries. I’m sure the last thing she heard as she left were screams of laughter.


#5) This had most of the state of Idaho laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor that will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? This is another true story…

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked this question:
"So *****, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

After a few seconds of laughter, the screen went blank, and a screen came up that simply read, "Please Standby, we are having technical difficulties.."

 

[GP100]

The Guy In The Road..

A man driving down a dirt road sees another man sprawled out in the middle of the road. He stops his car on the side of the road and gets out to help the other guy. He looks down at the guy and asks him if he is okay. He gets no response. He waits a minute then asks the guy again if he is okay and needs assistance. Finally, the man responds and says, “Ford… Pickup truck… 18-inch rims… 2 passengers… female driver… The guy looks amazed and says, “Wow, you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?” The other man looks at him and replies, “No, the b*tch ran over me about 10 minutes ago.”


The Two Church Ladies..

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep." "I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."


Sam And Martha..

Sam and Martha have been married for 50 years. Every year they have gone to the state fair, every year Sam has looked at the airplane rides and told Martha that he has never been up in a plane before. Every year Martha tells Sam that the plane ride costs $10 and she always says that $10 is $10. Well this year Sam saw the plane ride at the fair and he told Martha that he is 71 years old and that he may never get another chance in his life to ride in an airplane. Martha said that the ride costs $10, and you know $10 is $10. The pilot overheard their conversation and made them an offer, if they could take the flight without saying even one single word, they would not have to pay for the ride. Sam and Martha accepted the pilot’s offer. The pilot flew rolls, flips and loop-de-loops without a single sound from his passengers so he repeated all the stunts again. The pilot never did hear a single sound from the couple. After they landed the pilot asked Sam how he was able to keep so quiet? Sam told the pilot that he almost said something when Martha fell out of the plane but $10 is $10.


A Blonde Moment..

One winter morning while listening to the radio, a couple hears the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. " You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

[GP100]

Wow.. Tough crowd.. So much for that..

 

[WendyZXZ]

Those are all pretty good, thanks for sharing!

 

[Tom W]

Keep going. I like funny readings!

 

[Colonialgirl]

Got me with the "snores" in church.

How about the guy in the next pew who didn't realize his hearing aid batteries had gone dead ?

 

[GP100]

Well, I kinda figured it was a tough room.. Maybe the jokes weren't funny to those reading.. So I thought, okay, enough with that..

There's nothing like dying on stage while being pelted with tomatoes.. It's never a good sign when the audience is silent.. That means they are planning to lynch you out in the parking lot..

 

[GP100]

Let's call this one,

The Indian Message To The Astronauts..

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only the Navajo language, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording intently, then laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land."



Texas Does Everything Big..

A Texas cowboy is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the cowboy just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy".

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of WOW"! were heard.

One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The cowboy takes a slow swig from his long-neck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,...................

"Got him circumcised".

 

[GP100]

Just How Strong Is The IRS?

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button.

He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet." Even the women burst into laughter.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter, or what?" “No.” the man replied, "I work for the IRS." :shock:
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Since Colonialgirl commented about an old man in a church pew, I thought I would toss this one out for you..


The Old Man And The Hearing Aid..

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


The Silent Treatment..

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..."



Why is HONEY golden in color?

1) Because of the Sun the flowers receive?

2) Because Flower Pollen is naturally golden?

3) Because it's manufactured that way?

4) I don't know.



I figured it out folks, here it is.

 

[GP100]

And this one is for the Gun Lovers on the forum...


WARNING TO ALL DOG OWNERS: WATCH YOUR DOG!

Some vicious killer has been shooting dogs at random!

Dogs are being picked off one at a time, and the numbers of deaths are mounting.

Police in Idaho advise all dog owners to "Watch your Dog."

This photo came from a Collie breeder in Lewiston…

A killer caught in a careless moment.

Regardless of what breed we have, we can't be too careful.

Given the importance of this, I wanted to be sure everyone was advised in the state of Idaho and elsewhere in the country.

There are some real sickos out there. Be on the lookout for this shooter.

 

[GP100]

For Everything Else, There's MasterCard..

Today, MasterCard announced its intention to release its new line of commercials aimed at athletes.

 

[GP100]

Can You Guess Who This Is?

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job several years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States senator from New York. Act like it you Dumb-ass.



Thanksgiving Day And The Parrot..

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"



Typical Texas Squirrel..

 

[Pal Val]

Me - The new glasses make you look terrible.
Wife - I don't wear glasses.
Me - I do.

That was three days ago. The swelling is coming down a little.

 

[GP100]

More Problems For The Catholic Church..

The Catholic Church announced today it would replace what it calls “Questionable artwork” in several churches as an attempt to further its public relations campaign after coming under fire for its “Alter boys for priests” program that proved to be a dismal failure. This stained glass window will be one of the first to go, church officials said.

Another Blonde Moment..

The Godfather..

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me. " " But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead? " " You lissina me. " " Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " " Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. " " Whatta you gonna do then... Pointa to your watch and say, Times Up? "

 

[GP100]

Our Government At Work..

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone might steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.



The Texas Preacher..

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

The preacher passed out.



The Car Sale..

A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman "can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.
"I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of bills out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price. The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away. She is back two days later and says, "I want my money back... it smells awfully bad when I use the brakes" she states emphatically. Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her in case she is not driving it properly'. He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph does a hand brake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate. 120 mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145 mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the hood when it reaches 170 mph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a train crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down. Instead the pitch of the engine increases! 100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car comes to a screeching halt only inches from the barrier.

"Can you smell it?" she asks. He looks at her and exclaims, "SMELL IT? HELL, I'M SITTING IN IT!"



Deer Hunters..

Texas Version Of Windows XP..

 

[Tom W]

Keep on.... Lori likes some of them too!

 

[GP100]

Stealth For 2018

The Pentagon announced today it would scrap military plans for the new stealth fighter dubbed by pilots as the “where the hell is it?” after building three prototypes and pilots being able to find only one of them.

Why Women Are more Attractive Than men..

MEN

WOMEN

Any Questions?

 

[GP100]

The Farmer And The Chicken..

A very poor farmer was plowing the lower 40 one day with his mule. He was so poor in fact that he had only one chicken left and that was because he couldn't catch him. As he is plowing he notices his wife waaay up at the house, running, falling, running and falling. As he nears the house he yells to his wife, "Maude, what the #@$% are you doin???" " I'm tryin to catch this stupid chicken,” she says. You know you ain't gonna catch that chicken Maude" he says. "Well, the preacher's here and he wants chicken for dinner" the wife replies. "Screw the preacher,” the farmer screams!! The wife says, "I did, but he still wants chicken!"


The Tattoo

The Church Service..

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." "Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is that?" "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service--the 9:45 or the 11:15?