Daily Jokes:

[GP100]

The new admittance policy to Heaven

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, 'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in. A few seconds later the next guy comes up. 'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.' The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. 'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator.........

 

[GP100]

Another joke:


This had most of the state of Idaho laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor that will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? This is another true story…

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So *****, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[GP100]

And now, a few jokes from the Mike Petter Files

The guy in the road...

A man driving down a dirt road sees another man sprawled out in the middle of the road. He stops his car on the side of the road and gets out to help the other guy. He looks down at the guy and asks him if he is okay. He gets no response. He waits a minute then asks the guy again if he is okay and needs assistance. Finally, the man responds and says, “Ford… Pickup truck… 18-inch rims… 2 passengers… female driver… The guy looks amazed and says, “Wow, you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?” The other man looks at him and replies, “No, the b*tch ran over me about 10 minutes ago.”

 

[GP100]

Just how strong is the IRS you ask?

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button.

He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet." Even the women burst into laughter.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter, or what?" “No.” the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

 

[GP100]

This is a true story from a Houston Texas Newspaper

From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Houston, Texas.



Recently, a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

 

[Pat-inCO]

Cats are smarter than dogs.

You don't believe that?
You ever see eight cats pulling a sled in the snow?

 

[GP100]

A fair Judge

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

 

[GP100]

Sam and Martha

Sam and Martha have been married for 50 years. Every year they have gone to the state fair, every year Sam has looked at the airplane rides and told Martha that he has never been up in a plane before. Every year Martha tells Sam that the plane ride costs $10 and she always says that $10 is $10. Well this year Sam saw the plane ride at the fair and he told Martha that he is 71 years old and that he may never get another chance in his life to ride in an airplane. Martha said that the ride costs $10, and you know $10 is $10. The pilot overheard their conversation and made them an offer, if they could take the flight without saying even one single word, they would not have to pay for the ride. Sam and Martha accepted the pilot’s offer. The pilot flew rolls, flips and loop-de-loops without a single sound from his passengers so he repeated all the stunts again. The pilot never did hear a single sound from the couple. After they landed the pilot asked Sam how he was able to keep so quiet? Sam told the pilot that he almost said something when Martha fell out of the plane but $10 is $10.

 

[phonejack]

Hillary dies and suddenly finds herself at Heavens Gate.
Standing beside the gate is St. Peter
She demands "what do I have to do to get in there ?"
St. Peter replies:



At this point , what does it matter ?

 

[jlmtr6]

Three rednecks, Bubba, Bob Lee, and Billy Bob, went to the rodeo.
Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to death. Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
Saint Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven, If you break them, you'll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."
That sounded simple enough.
They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all Bubba stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on.
Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow.
"I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished."
He chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.
Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Bob Lee accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman.
"I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.
Well, Billy Bob was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away.
Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?"
"I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "but I stepped on a duck."

 

[Colonialgirl]

These are ALL oldies but goodies going out to my FULL email list !!

 

[GP100]

Sexual Harassment

A man walks up to a woman in her office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to the HR (Human Resources) Department. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

 

[GP100]

Thanksgiving Day & The Parrot.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

:mrgreen:

 

[GP100]

Indian message to the Astronauts

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only the Navajo language, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording intently, then laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land."

 

[DA_TriggR4Ruger]

On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked :-
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

 

[Colonialgirl]

Cats are smarter than dogs.

You don't believe that?
You ever see eight cats pulling a sled in the snow?

A friend supplied this remark:

That, and I never saw a cat eat dog turds either.
And another added this:

Why do you think cats bury their poop?
Of course if you ask any small dog what the greatest invention is?
Answer: The Cat Box!
Makes it easier to find the treats!

 

[GP100]

Texas Does Everything Big...

A Texas cowboy is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the cowboy just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy".

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of WOW"! were heard.

One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The cowboy takes a swig from his long-neck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,......."Got him circumcised".

 

[GP100]

Hillary Clinton & The Indians..

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed, "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh*t it can no longer fly.

 

[GP100]

A Blonde Moment..

One winter morning while listening to the radio, a couple hears the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. " You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

[exavid]

Then there was the blond whose car was in a severe hailstorm. That car looked like a golf ball, all covered with dimples. The blond took it to a body shop for an estimate. The body shop owner looked at all the damage and realized the blond couldn't afford to repair the car so to get rid of her he told here to take it home and blow hard in the tailpipe and all the dents would pop out.

Dubious but game the blond took the car home and began puffing into the tail pipe but nothing was happening. A lady from next door, also a blond, was watching this action from her window. She came out and asked what was the idea of blowing into the tail pipe. The blond stopped puffing and told her what the guys at the body shop told her. The neighbor thought about it for a minute and then said, "Doh, you gotta roll up the windows first".

 

[exavid]

Some years ago there was this old prospector who'd spent years with prospecting the Southwestern desert on foot with his ass carrying his gear. They both were getting along in age now but the old prospector thought he and his ass were good for one more expedition. So he loaded up his gear on the ass and off they went across the shimmering sands.

On the third day, around noon the ass brayed a couple times, shivered, and dropped dead. The old prospector felt real bad about that, after all they'd been together for many years. So he decided the only thing he could do for his ass was to give him a decent burial. He found a spot below a towering mesa and dug a hole. After looking at the finished hole he looked around and decided this wasn't the best spot for burying his old ass. So he moved over a few yards and dug another hole. That one was better but he noticed a spot nearby that was just perfect so he began to dig another hole for his old ass.

While digging a faint voice floated down from the top of the mesa, "What are you doing down there?" The old prospector and hollered back up, "Digging holes." After a few moments the voice from the top of the mesa said, "Digging post holes?"



The old prospector squinted up at the top of the mesa against the burning sun and said,


"No".

 

[exavid]

In Anchorage the police used to hold all the marijuana they got from court evidence and burn it once a year. This time they hauled out the big pile of weed to the garbage dump and set it afire. Soon it was burning brightly emitting a plume of smoke.

Just as the fire and smoke reached its peak, a flock of Arctic Terns flew through the smoke.

When the birds came out the other side,






Not a tern was unstoned.

 

[Colonialgirl]

There's a story that Obama once visited an Indian reservation and while there gave one of his usual liberal left winger speeches and at each high point of his speech the entire tribe would yell , "OMMMPAAAH, OMMMPAAAH" which just pushed Obama to bigger heights. Finally he finished and was being shown around the village, then they reach the cattle corral and the Tribal Chief says, "Be careful to NOT step in the OMMMPAAAH Mr President."