Texas Chili Contest

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Wyandot Jim

Hawkeye
Joined
Sep 1, 2003
Messages
5,040
This has been around for a while, but funny!









Approaching Golden Oldie status, still a fun read...





Texas Chili Contest




If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know
How true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL




Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
Happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."




Here are the scorecard notes from the event:





*****************************************************





CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...




Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.




*****************************************************




CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...





Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.




*****************************************************





CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...




Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.




*****************************************************





CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...




Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?




*****************************************************





CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...




Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
Had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.




*****************************************************





CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...




Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with a
Snow cone.




*****************************************************





CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...




Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
Like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.




*****************************************************





CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI..




Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
 

SAJohn

Hunter
Joined
Jan 6, 2007
Messages
2,300
Thank you WJ, This was a first time read for me. I am still laughing.

John
 

737tdi

Hunter
Joined
May 31, 2006
Messages
2,316
Have read it before but still laugh when judge 3 poops himself.

Karl
 

FastEd

Hunter
Joined
Jun 13, 2008
Messages
2,244
Back during the good ole days I used to attend the Houston Fat Stock Show and Rodeo every year.
Very familiar with the Texas Chili experience.

It was all good but some variations were not necessarily good for you.
The first time around was very educational. The next day I could throw my leg up and crap through a keyhole.
And you know it too...
 

Bob Wright

Hawkeye
Joined
Jun 24, 2004
Messages
5,934
Down around Study Butte, Texas, there is a big chili cook-off. Supposedly the aftermath keeps the vegatation down.


Bob Wright
 

737tdi

Hunter
Joined
May 31, 2006
Messages
2,316
Bob Wright: That would be the original chili cook off. It's called the Terlingua chili cook off. I posted a month or so ago with a whole bunch of chili recipes. These recipes were from all of the winners of the contest. Even Wick Fowler's recipe (which is sold in almost all stores as 2 alarm chili).

http://www.abowlofred.com/index.htm



Karl
 

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