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FastEd

Hunter
Joined
Jun 13, 2008
Messages
2,244
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
__________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 

Don Lovel

Hunter
Joined
Nov 10, 2003
Messages
2,253
"Mr, Guiterrez, do you own a business"
"Que?"
"Mr. Guiterrez, would you say your business is successful enough to be compliant with all of the various city, state and federal laws?"
"Que?"
"Your honor, I have all I need from the witness"
"Mr. Guiterrez, you may be dismissed"
"Que?
and bailiff shows him to the door

I sat there on the jury about to bust out giggling
 

stevemb

Hunter
Joined
Aug 8, 2012
Messages
2,769
We've had anti-atty threads before. Maybe not in the best of taste, I usually chime in. Am related to one, know a couple of others, and got most of'em outta ditches before. Heck, I can no longer respect the office of the President of the United Staes anymore, not much to look up to or respect left. I do understand the above were meant to be funny, certainly I found them so !
 

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