I hope you are doing better - Sorry for your loss!!Jimbo sorry to hear that. It's been a terrible year for you for sure. I know it's been hard on you and continues to be. I'll pray for you but it would appear that my prayer line has been disconnected for the past 2 years. I keep trying anyway.
You're right it's very hard to outlive your loved ones. It's terrible! It's been 6 months today well yesterday now since my wife passed on. We had 2 daughters to die in the past and I thought nothing in the world could ever be any worse but I was wrong. My wife June and I had each other to lean on during those terrible times but now she's gone and it's the worse 6 months of my life so far and it's not getting any better with time it's getting worse everyday. I try to stay busy doing things around the house to keep my mind from thinking about it every minute of the day and night but its not working. When I'm not busy I try to read stuff on the Internet or ramble on here on the forum to vent my problems, sorry about that, but it helps some because I can't talk to people in person because I sound like a blubbering idiot and start crying. I grew up in a time when boys didn't cry and made it all the way through grammar school and high school and never cried a single time no matter how bad I got hurt but I've never encountered anything like this even when our daughters died. This grief is beyond believable. If I weren't a religious person I would have jumped off a bridge or a tall building months ago but I believe the bible and suicide is supposed to be an unforgivable sin so I'm doing my best to be able to see June again someday.
We were inseparable we did everything together for almost all of our lives. We were only apart a total of 4 days a week for 4 weeks in March of 1985 during all those 50 + years we were married. She was my hunting and fishing partner, she was my soul mate. We drove across the US and back 4 times using back roads to see the country during those years. We went to every state we drove 2 million miles and never had an accident on the road. Then this disease took her in in a blink of the eye.
I fell in love with that little beautiful blonde haired blue eyed girl that I would one day marry when I first saw her walking up the stairs from her 3rd grade classroom in 1958. She walked right up and started talking to me and my heart started racing and my knees got weak and I was probably beet red. It was love at first sight and it was a day I'll remember forever. The only memory from the old days that was any better was that summer day in 1967 that she married me.
How do people go on? How on earth can someone even think of finding someone else after that many years together. I know the bible says until death do you part but if you believe in heaven and seeing your loved one again someday how could you face them if you had been with someone else after they died? If you think there's not anything but love in heaven that'll change if I make it there and June knows that I had found someone else after she died. It wouldn't be pretty. She was a mild mannered, church going, god fearing lady but lord help you if you wronged her or harmed one of her babies 'cause there would be no good place to hide. She was a country girl from East Tennessee that was raised on a farm and she raised her younger 3 brothers and 2 sisters and those boys were big but they didn't mess with sis.
June died in my arms early in the morning on October 21, 2021 from a massive stroke. I went crazy trying to revive her before the ambulance got there but it was no use. I had sat and slept in my recliner by her bedside for over 18 months caring for her while I watched her die in agony from that god awful disease cancer that brought on the massive stroke. I ended up in the hospital when she died. The morning she died I got very lightheaded and could hardly stand up without holding on to something. I went to the doctor in the evening and she sent me straight to the emergency room where they found I had a 100 percent blocked main artery the one they call the widow maker artery. They were able to put in 3 stents and got the blood flowing. I went to my old cardiologist last Thursday. He wasn't the doctor that worked on me during the emergency but he pulled my heart images up on the computer in the exam room and said you not only had a completely blocked artery but you also had a rupture and a blood clot. He didn't know my wife had died and he ask me if I had some sort of dramatic event that happened to me recently. I told him June died that same morning. He said your heart had already bypassed the blockage using smaller veins but he said the rupture and blood clot happened suddenly. I asked him how on earth could a person live with a blocked main artery in the heart and a rupture and a blood clot. He said normally you wouldn't but it was just not your time to go. He said you should have had a hear attack at least. He said he had been a doctor for nearly 30 years and there were a lot of things he couldn't explain or understand but he said it has strengthened his faith in God. He said we repair the body and think we're pretty good at it but if it's your time to go then you're going to go no matter what we do.
I've worn a heart monitor for 4 weeks last month because I've still been lightheaded. My doctor said your heart is doing fine and they checked my carotid arteries in my neck that checked out ok also. The doctor said it's anxiety and anxiety can cause lightheadedness, dizziness and many other things. He gave me some meds for it and it does seem to be clearing up somewhat. I found out when you hear of someone one dying of a broken heart it's not just a saying it's actually true. Your heart can explode over someone dying. Mine did but I survived so far. Looking back now I should have just stayed home instead of going to the hospital.
I lost a lot of weight this past 2 years and I wouldn't recommend my diet plan to my worst enemy. If I lose anymore weight I'll have to dig in my closet to see if I can find my high school bellbottom pants. ha
Well it's time for more meds and another sleepless night. I've been up for 3 days this time which I guess you can tell by this post. I can't get my sleeping pill prescription Ambien refilled for another 2 weeks. I've had to take more and more of them to knock me out and I run out of them otherwise they do no good anyway so I might as well take them.
Again sorry to ramble on but I got nothing else to do except surf the web or watch our old family videos and look at pictures of happier days in the past.