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Colonialgirl

Hawkeye
Joined
Dec 7, 2008
Messages
7,900
Location
Wesley Chapel, Florida
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,

‘Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'


The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

====================================
Some More:




Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

========================================================
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'


Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'


'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
=============================================

A senior citizen

said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'


'Yep!'

'Do I know her?

'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
=========================================================


Three old guys

are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

==============================================================

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'
=================================================================

Morris an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

=======================================================

One more. . ..!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh.
 

Bear Paw Jack

Hawkeye
Joined
Dec 19, 2001
Messages
9,600
Location
Alaska, Idaho USA
Just Fred
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
Joined
Dec 8, 2005
Messages
3,761
Location
Lemont, PA, USA 16851
Since we're doing jokes (sent to me by Watertender from the ROCS forum):

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go
get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled,
.
.
.
.
"PEANUTS!"
 

LDM

Blackhawk
Joined
Nov 16, 2015
Messages
662
A priest and a bus driver arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter reviews their dossiers and lets the bus driver into Heaven first.

The priest is upset that the bus driver was let in before him. So he asks, "St. Peter. Why did you let the bus driver in first? I dedicated by life to serving the church, preaching the gospel and saving souls."

St. Peter replied, "It's like this. When you were preaching, everybody in your church was sleeping. When Mario was driving, everybody in his bus was praying. He saved more souls than you did."
 

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