Got To Love The English Language

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Sep 1, 2003
Richmond Texas USA
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

She was only a moonshiner's daughter,

but I miss her still.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t "c" in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.


Nov 16, 2015
When I was much younger, I thought about running away to join the circus. I applied for a job as a human cannonball but they were looking for someone of a lesser caliber.


Sep 24, 2009
Bob Wright said:
She worked at the stables, where all the horsemen knew her.

Red Skelton

This brought back a memory. Back in 1973 I was working at the Palm Springs Ford Dealership as a gopher. Part of my job in the mornings was to take people that brought cars in to be worked on, home or to work and usually in their car. One morning I took this very hot red head lady in her beat up old station wagon to work at a fancy stable. Later in the afternoon I was standing with the manager while he was tending to the people coming in to pick up their cars. In line was a maroon colored Rolls Royce. I cracked a joke about a Rolls Royce at a Ford Dealership. When the Rolls pulled up to us, the manager said to the driver what I said about a Rolls at a Ford Dealership and to my surprise, the driver was Red Skelton and he pulled a cigar out of his mouth, cracked a joke and put the cigar back in his mouth just like I’d seen him do on TV hundreds of times and in the passenger seat was that hot red head that I drove to the stable in the morning. It was his daughter. I just stood there with my jaw dropped open.

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