HOW TO OPERATE A HELICOPTER MECHANIC
A long long time ago, back in the days of iron men and rotor blades, a ritual began.
It takes place when a helicopter pilot approaches a mechanic to report some difficulty with his aircraft. All mechanics seem to be aware of it, which leads to the conclusion that it's included somewhere in their training, and most are diligent in practicing it.
New pilots are largely ignorant of the ritual, because it's neither included in their training, not handed down to them by older drivers. Older drivers feel that the pain of learning everything the hard way was so exquisite that they shouldn't deny anyone the pleasure.
There are pilots who refuse to recognize it, as a serious professional
amenity,no matter how many times they perform it, and are driven to distraction by it.
Some take it personally. They get red in the face, fume, and boil, and do foolish dances. Some try to take it as a joke, but its always dead serious.
Mostpilots find they can't change it, and so accept it and try to practice it with some grace.
The ritual is accomplished before any work is actually done on the aircraft. It has four parts and goes something like this:
1. The pilot reports the problem. The mechanic says "There is nothing wrong with it."
2. The pilot repeats his complaint. The mechanic maintains, "It's the
gauge."
3. The pilot persists, plaintively. The mechanic maintains, "There all like that."
4. The pilot, heatedly now, explains the problem carefully, enunciating
carefully. The mechanic states, "I can't fix it."
After the ritual has been played through its entirety, serious discussion begins and the problem is usually solved forthwith.
Like most rituals, this one has its roots in antiquity and a basis in
Experience and common sense. It started back when mechanics first learned to operate pilots, and still serves a number of purposes. Its most important function,is that it is a good basic diagnostic technique. Causing the pilot to explain the symptoms of the problem several times in increasing detail, not only saves trouble shooting time, but gives the mechanic insight into the pilots knowledge
of how the machine works, and his state of mind.
Every mechanic knows that if the last flight was performed at night, or in bad
weather, some of the problems reported are imagined, some exaggerated, and some are real. Likewise, a personal problem, especially romantic or financial,but including simple fatigue, affects a pilots perception of every little rattle and thump. There are also chronic whiners and complainers to be weeded out and dealt with. While performing the ritual, an unscrupulous mechanic can find out if thepilot can be easily intimidated. If the driver has an obvious personality disorder like prejudices, pet peeves, tender spots, or other manias, they will
stick out like handles, which he can be steered around.
There is a proper way to operate a mechanic, as well. Don't confuse
"operating" a mechanic with "putting one in his place." The worst and often most repeated mistake, is to try and establish an "I'm the pilot, you are just the mechanic" hierarchy. Although alot of mechanics can and do fly, recreationally, they don't give a dam about doing it for a living. There satisfaction come from working on expensive and complex machinery. As a pilot, you are neither feared nor envied,
but merely tolerated, for until they actually do train monkeys to fly those things, he needs a pilot to put the parts in motion so he can tell if everything is working properly. The driver who tries to put a mechanic in his "place"is headed for a fall. Sooner or later, he will try to crank with the blade tied down. After he has snatched the tail boom, around to the cabin door, and completely burnt out the engine, he'll look across the way and see the mechanic standing there sporting a funny little smirk. Helicopter mechanics are indifferent to attempts at discipline or regimentation other than the discipline of their craft. It is accepted that a good mechanics personality should
contain unpredictable mixtures of irascibility and nonchalance, and should exhibit at least some bizarre behavior.
The basic operation of a mechanic involves four steps:
1. Clean an aircraft. Get out a hose or bucket, a broom and some rags, and at some strange time of day, like early morning, or when you take your afternoon nap, start cleaning that bird from top to bottom, and inside out. This is guaranteed to knock the sourest old wrench off balance. He'll be suspicious,but he will be attracted to the strange behaviors like a passing motoring to a road-side accident. He may even join in to make sure you don't break anything.
Before you know it, you'll be talking to each other about the aircraft while you are getting a more intimate knowledge of it. Maybe while you are mucking out the pilots station, you will see how rude it is to leave coffee cups, candy wrappers, cigarette butts, and other trash behind to be cleaned up.
2. Do a thorough pre-flight. Most mechanics a willing to admit to themselves that they might make a mistake, and since alot of his work must be done at night or in a hurry, a good one likes to have his work checked. Of course he would rather have another mech to do the checking, but a driver is better than nothing. Although they cultivate a dead-pan, don't give a dam attitude,mechanics have nightmares about forgetting to torque a nut or leaving tools in
inlets or drive shaft tunnels. A mech will let little gigs slide on a
machine that's never pre-flighted, not because they won't be noticed, but because he figures the driver will overlook something big some day and the whole thing will end up in a pile of smoking rubble anyway.
3. Don't abuse the machinery. Mechanics see drivers come and go, so you
won't impress one in a thousand with what you can make the aircraft do. They allknowshe'll lift more than max gross, and will do a hammer head with a half roll.
While the driver is confident that the blades and engine and massive framemembers will take it, the mech knows that it's the seals and bearings and rivetsdeep in the guts of the machine that fail from abuse. In a driver, mechanicsaren't looking for expensive clothes, flashy girlfriends, tricky maneuvers andlot's of juicy stories about WW Vietnam. They are looking for one who willfly the thing so that all the components make their full service life. They also know that high maintenance costs are a good excuse to keep salaries down.
4. Do a post-flight inspection. Nothing feels more deliciously dashing than to end the day by stepping down from the bird and walking off into the sunset while the blade slowly turns down. It's the stuff that beer commercials are made of.
The trouble is, it leaves the pilot ignorant of how the aircraft had faired after a hard days work, and leaves the wrench doing a slow burn. The mechanic is an engineer, not a groom, and need some fresh, first hand information on the aircraft's performance if he is to have it ready to go the next day. A little end of day conference also gives you one more chance to get him in the short ribs. Tell him the thing flew good. It has been known to have the faint dead away. As you can see, operating a helicopter mechanic is simple, but not easy.
What it boils down to, is that, if a pilot performs his pilot rituals religiously,in no time at all he will find the mechanic operating smoothly. I have not attempted to explain how to make friends with a mechanic, for that is not known.
Helicopter pilots and mechanics have a strange relationship. Ones job is toprovide the helicopter with love and care, the others is to provide the wear and tear. But, the bottom line is this, there is a symbolic partnership here,because one job depends on the other.
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